Diary of a Hong Kong Housewife

Parenting

2012-02-13T14:28:00.000-08:00

This'll be a quick one that, had I more time, could end up being a 5-page post. Here's the difference between parenting styles in Discovery Bay and New York City:

Today a kid on a stationary (e.g., non-moving) scooter semi-blocked my exit at the grocery store. His mother immediately saw this and said, "Carlton, I told you not to ride that thing in here."

Months ago, I was nearly knocked over by a kid on a scooter zooming by me in the grocery store in DB. I rolled my eyes and said, "watch out" to which his mother gave me a dirty look and most definitely said nothing to her son.

I'm not even going to provide commentary on this; I think it speaks for itself.

PS - If Blondie from the Forum is reading this, I hope your head is exploding! :)

Crackhead

2012-02-10T08:40:00.000-08:00

Sorry to have been incommunicado the last few weeks. I've been sleeping on an air mattress (borrowed from a friend) in an empty apartment...watching TV on a borrowed TV (another friend) and eating pre-made meals that don't require cooking from Trader Joe's.

Yes, I'm living like a crackhead.

And I have a newfound hatred for a certain moving company that shall remain nameless (forget that -Asian Express/The MI Group) who are TWO WEEKS LATE in delivering our belongings from Hong Kong.

These are the times when people like the Unibomber make a lot of sense to me.

Just Because

2012-01-29T17:41:00.000-08:00

One of the big things I've been looking forward to are Sunday nights. Specifically Sunday night TV. So far, we've had NFL play-off football (the Super Bowl is next Sunday!), Awards season (although the Globes were a little lackluster this year) and then a boatload of new shows I need to start watching - Homeland, Downton Abbey, etc. It's like couch potato overload!

Tonight, I happen to be watching E!'s coverage of the SAG Awards. Just me, a Brooklyn Lager and my pug who's happily chewing on a crack bone. Hubby is at the office. Yes, I do feel some shame about our individual circumstances. So I figured instead of flooding my Facebook with minute-by-minute status updates (although I *do* love how it annoys people!), I'd capture my thoughts here. (If this isn't what a blog is for, what is?!)

First off, the dresses are lightyears better than what showed up at The Globes. I guess celebs saw the papers and watched Joan Rivers the next day and decided they needed to up their game. Here's hoping the show is better than the Globes, too. If your brain protected you from the tragedy by erasing it from your mind, here's just a small sampling:

Other random observations from tonight's red carpet:

John Krasinski may edge out Gosling slightly as sexy sexy sex man sexy man. Tall, handsome and funny? Deep breath, Jess.

While I love her style, Michelle Williams is just awkward in interviews. She comes off as nervous (if you like her) and condescending (if you don't). She's been doing this a long time, so even if she's a shy person by nature, I need her to get over it. It's part of your job and you're kinda sucking at it.

How do I get Melissa McCarthy to be my new bff?

How do I get the gorgeous Kristin Wiig to stop dressing so badly?

Viola Davis and Rose Byrne have knocked it out of the park with their outfits! That pantsuit is beyond. Kinda feeling the same about Zoe Saldana (the tank top is a great touch!)

If I was on a yacht and that yacht got harpooned on a deserted island, the other two celebrity couples I'd want with me are John Krasinski/Emily Blunt and George Clooney/Stacey Keibler. I feel like we'd have such a good time..and like I'd really fit in. No really, I do!

I am sick to death of people calling Angelina stylish. She looks embalmed and appears to be color-blind (black & ~~white~~ taupe are the only colors in her closet.) And who in their right mind thinks stark white satin and blood red satin are a chic combo? It's like a bad prom mafiosa dress. There is NOTHING stylish about her.

Tina Fey has really lost the baby weight, huh?! Good for her! Maya Rudolph on the other hand...

So that's it. Yes, I'm a bitch and yes, this wasn't exactly a well thought out post, but it's my blog and I'll do what I want with it ~~until you stop reading~~. :)

Super Bowl and Oscars red carpet, here we come!

Pharmacies Suck.

2012-01-13T07:19:00.000-08:00

Here's how the medical process goes in Hong Kong:
You go to the doctor; he prescribes medicine; his nurse gives you the medicine; you leave with everything you need to get better. Easy peasy.

Here's how the process goes here:
I feel like crap. I call the doctor to set up an appointment and the doctor's receptionist informs me I'll need to bring my insurance card. I don't have an insurance card, so I have to call insurance company Cigna (many conversations with automated computer that doesn't understand what I'm saying) and get ID number.

Go to doctor. Get examined by doctor. Ushered out the door by doctor with two prescriptions in hand.

Go to pharmacy #1 (Duane Reade) - located nowhere near doctor office. Hand pharmacist my prescriptions and tell her my insurance ID#. Told the next day (!!) that Cigna is NOT my prescription insurance provider, only my medical/doctor provider. Express Scripts is my prescription provider and they don't have a contract with Duane Reade. A.k.a. - I'm not getting my meds here.

Go to pharmacy #2 (Rite Aid). Hand pharmacist my prescriptions and Cigna ID#, explaining that I'm covered under Express Scripts. She tells me they only have 1 of the 2 medicines in stock and that I need to provide more info from Express Scripts before she can fill the script.

Go home and call Cigna (automated computer hell) only to have them explain that they are a completely different company than Express Script. They do have Express Script's number though (small miracle). Call Express Script (more automated computer hell) and am given all info needed to get Rx filled.

Go back to Rite Aid and give the info for my 1 Rx. Have given up hope on getting 2nd medicine.

Currently waiting for it to be filled and assume there will be 8 million more hoops to jump through, hiccups and meltdowns -- the latter from me, before I physically have meds in hand.

Now I ask you - sane, level-headed human being, which process would you prefer?????

Faux Yorker

2012-01-12T13:39:00.000-08:00

Just when I think I've assimilated, the following happens:

I walk by a bar with a sign out front that reads, "Football all weekend long" and I think "Wow, soccer has really caught on here in the last three years."

That and I keep trying to go up the wrong side of the escalators.

Otherwise, I'm totally back. ;)

Paging Maury Povich

2012-01-12T13:33:00.000-08:00

Check out what I spotted at our drugstore (British translation: chemist):

Apologies for the blur factor, but please tell me you can read the "Court Admissible" tagline!

Does this mean Maury Povich is out of a job?? Speaking of, if you're American and start to feel high-and-mighty and that our country is the best in the world....watch an episode. You will quickly be brought to your knees with embarrassment.

Delivery for Dummies

2012-01-10T11:31:00.000-08:00

One of the biggest things I've looked forward to in NYC is the restaurant scene. Every part of it -- "the world is your oyster" options, places staying open until midnight and deliveries any time of day or night. Back in the UrbanFetch era (circa 1999), I was known to order a DVD (or was it still VHS back then?), slice of pizza, drinks and Tylenol from one place and it would all be delivered within an hour!

Yesterday I saw a Pinkberry delivery guy in our elevator. If you're not familiar, Pinkberry is a frozen yogurt chain. (HK folks, it's the same as Yo MaMa.) The kind of place you see when you're walking on a Sunday afternoon and feel like indulging your sweet tooth. You go in, order a cup and then peruse the vast display of toppings (Capn Crunch, blueberries, coconut, you name it). You leave, yogurt in hand, and proceed to eat it spoonful by spoonful as you walk down a sunny NYC street. It's more event, than food.

You do not call Pinkberry and ask them to deliver a cup of yogurt to your door. Which the deliveryman confirmed when I asked him who would order yogurt for delivery and he replied - "some lazy ass people". I think he wanted to say "some lazy ass white people," but refrained.

Whiter Shade of Pale

2012-01-09T14:57:00.000-08:00

Do you know what's depressing as f*ck?? Watching yourself grow paler every day and knowing that it's going to be at least 4 months before your skin sees the sun again.

I do not look good pale. Not one bit.

And please don't say "foundation". I'm not skilled enough to wear it and always end up with that crass line separating my face from my neck.

Too Much of a Good Thing

2012-01-09T14:20:00.000-08:00

Pretty sure I've complained about how Hong Kong grocery stores are hit or miss. For three months straight they'll have your favorite brand of popsicles. Then, they run out and you don't see them again for a year (if you're lucky!) Or you'll come in for what I consider a staple - blueberries, chicken breasts, garlic - and find that they have none in stock. Not a berry, breast or clove in sight...and they are perplexed that you find this ridiculous.

Now I live in a place where you can buy a package of 10 hard-boiled, already-peeled eggs. Some company will boil and peel your eggs for you - because who can be bothered to do that?!

I don't know whether to laugh, cry or buy a package and make deviled eggs.

Really??

2012-01-03T10:27:00.000-08:00

When we moved into our place in Hong Kong, Pricoa - the relocation company, gave us a nice bottle of red wine.

Here's what we got from them this time:

Welcome to the States. Would you like fries with that?

For All That is Holy and Merciful

2012-01-03T10:19:00.000-08:00

Please God, make it stop. I cannot handle winter today. I. Just. Can't.

I forgot about the stinging, burning sensation that comes right before numbness.

I forgot that you need to carry around a family-sized box of tissues because your nose will run for no reason other than it is freezing to death.

I forgot that once you get into anywhere warm (like a subway car), you immediately start to sweat under all your layers.

I forgot that you lose peripheral vision when you're bundled up in a scarf, hat, parka coat hood and sunglasses.

I honestly don't know if I will survive this winter.

Meanwhile, my HK friends are jetting off to the beaches of Boracay and Koh Samui. Bitches.

Supersize Me

2012-01-03T10:11:00.000-08:00

We went to see The Girl with the Dragon Tattoo the other night. It was a slightly revolting experience. Two seats had a big white sheet over them that read "Accident Being Cleaned Up". I don't want to think about what kind of accident can't be cleaned up immediately. The floors were gross and sticky and the annoying chicks with Lawn-Guyland accents yammering on behind us were also gross.

Oh how I remember nestling into my oversized leather armchair (pre-selected and reserved arm chair, I might add) in Hong Kong waiting for the movie to start. Granted, I was watching a movie that had been out in the States for a good 6 months...

However, the big ah-ha "we're not in HK anymore, Toto" moment was when we got our drinks from the concession stand. I ordered a medium Diet Coke. Here's what I got:

Not sure the first picture does it justice, but hopefully the second does. I had to use TWO HANDS to lift the thing up to my mouth. In fact, my two hands together *just* formed the circumference of the lid. It was gigantic! I have to assume the large is reserved for a family of four.

All of that moral outrage aside, I managed to slurp the entire thing down plus a bag of the new pretzel M&Ms. :)

[Editor's Note: For all the disbelievers out there, it should be noted that I have normal, non-dwarf sized hands.]

Ni Hao

2012-01-03T09:58:00.000-08:00

We're into our temporary housing (e.g. serviced apartment) and what it lacks in location (one block off Times Square - somebody shoot me!), it makes up for in space, beautiful floors and a balcony. After the chopped-up suffocating HK apartments, I feel like I can actually breathe in this one.

Anyway, that's not the point of this post. The point is that being one block off of Times Square means we're in the Theatre District. When I spotted the marquee of the Broadway show directly across the street from our place, I realized the Chinese gods are looking out for me:

Surely that's a good omen, no?!

Happiness is...

2011-12-29T13:10:00.000-08:00

Target

A hot, fresh everything bagel + hazelnut coffee for $2.50

Cable TV with 800 channels (literally!) on a 60" flat screen

10 varieties of every product on the shelves - greek yogurt with honey, greek yogurt with blueberries, greek yogurt with pomegranates, plain greek yogurt...

The bank teller, grocery clerk, telemarketing idiot on the phone speak your language

Top Shop, J Crew, Urban Outfitters and the many many stores that line NYC streets

Guacamole made tableside at Rosa Mexicana

Bananas that taste like bananas

Watching live sports in the afternoon and at night

And Just Like That...

2011-12-29T13:01:00.000-08:00

...I'm a New Yorker again. Technically. Since landing in JFK last week, I've spent the holiday laying on my in-laws couch, shopping like crazy and eating my face off. So really it's not like I'm back to normal life, more like I'm on vacation. I keep having to remind myself that I'm not hopping on a 16-hour flight back to HK in a few days.

One stark reminder we're not in ~~Kansas~~ Hong Kong anymore...the weather. The high in HK today was 68 degrees. I'd be walking my dog in jeans, a t-shirt and flip-flops. Maybe with a light scarf tied loosely around my neck (for decorative purposes only) and some sunnies on.

Here's how I looked when I just walked him in NYC's 33 degree weather:

Note the "Do I *really* have to go out in this crap?" look on his face. Yeah, and 33 is MILD for December. Oy freakin' vey.

And the Award for Most Inappropriate WiFi Network Name Goes to...

2011-12-12T00:08:00.000-08:00

Sitting in the Hanoi airport riding out a 3-hour layover on our way to Siem Reap. Find the only restaurant in the airport, which, much to our elation, offers free wifi! Then my husband nearly spits out his pad thai when he sees the options.

HorseCock

Yep.

Swinging Update

2011-12-06T18:32:00.000-08:00

This may not even be that interesting to you, but I happened to be sitting in the Plaza (main part of town) and witnessed the most awkward exchange between the wife and husband who used to swing and are now split up.

The husband is standing outside the door of a popular coffee place, talking to a friend. Then I spot the wife (ex-wife?) coming from across the Plaza, clearly not seeing him, but walking directly towards him. (The friend the husband is talking to is blocking the husband from view.) As she's about 6 feet away from him she realizes he's there, but obviously can't turn back now because she's only 6 feet away from him and it would be really dramatic to do a complete about-face.

At this point, the husband sees her and peeks around his friend, smiles at her and says hi or something to that effect. (I'm too far away to get sound on this soap opera.) She literally walks right past him into the coffee shop as if he didn't exist. He then gives his friend a look like "I tried" and continues their conversation. Two minutes later she walked right back out and blatantly ignores him again.

I realize that this could fall under one of those "you had to be there" moments. But take a sec to think about seeing your husband (or bf or wife or gf) standing outside a Starbucks and walking right past them like they don't exist. And worse, imagine that you have to fear these types of run-ins all the time because you both live in a town the size of Gramercy Park.

I think I'd have a nervous break-down.

Advice to Newcomers

2011-12-05T19:05:00.000-08:00

Casting my natural sarcasm aside, I've decided to share some earnest advice with newcomers. (I know - what's the world coming to?!) Putting my serious pants on for a sec, I did struggle for the first year I lived here - and knowing the things below was one small part of that. Leaving friends and family behind, knowing not a soul in HK - that made up the rest of it.

So as my good deed for the year, here are all the things I wish someone would've told me the day I moved to Hong Kong:

Groceries:
As an American you MUST make your way to Gateway - a ghetto version of Costco. It's in the basement of an unremarkable building at 188 Des Voeux Road, but don't let that (or the shabby decor or bad lighting) scare you off. They carry all the brands you're used to and for discounted prices. Jif peanut butter, Triscuits, Diet Mountain Dew, etc. They are particularly good for bath & body items (Pantene shampoo and REAL Q-tips) and cleaning products. TIP: You order everything and then it's delivered to your flat a week later (depending on where you live in HK.)

If you can't find something there - or you want fresh or upscale food items, head to one of the Western grocery store chains:

360 (Landmark Building and Elements)
City Super (IFC)
Olivers (Prince's Building)

Expect to pay a lot more though!

Get Plugged In
Grab a copy of The List (a free magazine you can find around town) every month. Sign up for dedicated emails from Sassy Hong Kong http://sassyhongkong.com/ and DimSumAndThenSome http://www.dimsumandthensome.com.hk/. Join the American Women's Association or YMCA. They have great programs for American newbies. I've heard that the other Chambers of Commerce (e.g. British Chamber of Commerce) host similar events and group get-togethers.

Furniture:
If you need real furniture (sofas, dining room tables, etc.) there's only one place to go - Horizons in Ap Lei Chau. You see, unlike other large cities, Hong Kong decided to house all of its furniture places in one building on the outskirts of town. Don't get me started! Horizons is an 18-story building with various furniture stores on each floor. TIP: Take the elevator to the top and walk down via the stairs. Otherwise you'll spend 3/4 of your time waiting for the elevator. Not fun.

All the stores in Horizons have smaller (*much* smaller) counterparts in Central. These shops are the size of your bedroom, so the merchandise is limited to like 4 items. IMHO, it's not worth the time. There are also a few Ikeas in HK, if you don't want to spend a lot of money.

If you're looking for something small and beautiful or a gift, I'd recommend the following stores: Homeless (on Gough Street), G.O.D. (skip the Central one; opt for Causeway Bay store instead), Shanghai Tang (found in most malls) and Bals Tokyo (Elements Mall).

Clothes:
I'm sad to say the shopping in HK is subpar - am sure I'll get lots of negative comments for that one. Unless you're uber-rich and can shop at Chanel, Louis Vuitton and their ilk, you're limited to the following: H&M, Zara, Mango, Club Monaco, Massimo Dutti, French Connection, etc. Granted, there are a few original boutiques, but they aren't easy to find and merchandise is limited because the stores are the size of a postage stamp. They just opened up a Gap, are close to opening an Abercrombie & Fitch and rumor has it J Crew is coming to HK. They also have Marks & Spencer, if you're a Brit.

Also, sizes are bizarre. At the Puma store, they actually print "Asian size" in the tags so that you realize a medium here is an "Asian medium" (e.g. not a fat-ass gweilo medium). What I like to do is 1) order clothes online from stores in the States and have them shipped here via OneNow http://www.comgateway.com/CGW/com.comgateway.cgw.Home.do?pw6gcgtyxsd=Ujg06gXwWjEjNxNORWEdr5OfFt0%3D or 2) have clothes I already own copied in Shenzhen (see next blog post).

Malls:
As a New Yorker this was a huge turn-off to me. I'm still not used to it. The entire HK population lives for malls. The good ones are Pacific Place and IFC in Central, Elements and Harbour City in Kowloon. Harbour City is a maze, so leave bread crumbs.

Getting Around Central:
If you're like me and hate the thought of walking amidst 1,000 people with no manners, opt for the elevated walkways. You can use them to get pretty much anywhere in Central. You'll have to walk though a maze of buildings, but it's definitely the more civilized way to go. When going to a doctor's office, I'll start at IFC, then walk through Chater House, Alexandra House and Landmark before arriving at the Central Building. It takes a few attempts and you'll def get lost the first three times you try, but is so much nicer in the air con than sweating and avoiding spit in the street below.

Doctors:
90% of all HK doctors are located in 2 buildings - Princes Building and Central Building. There are some others scattered nearby, but for some (very convenient) reason, all doctors are located within a 4-block radius from each other.

So that's about it. Sure, there's more like- take a taxi because they're cheap and be prepared for people to not hold doors for you. But really those are big things that will help you get settled. Enjoy!

Advice for Newcomers: Shenzhen Special

2011-12-05T18:50:00.000-08:00

You are koo-koo bananas if you live in Hong Kong and never make it to Shenzhen.

What is Shenzhen? A city in southern China where all the global factories are located and where enterprising locals make money by selling knock-off everything! Go to Shenzhen for bootleg DVDs, knock-off designer handbags and clothing made. You also get some cheap-as-chips spa treatments. Here's my ideal Shenzhen trip:

If you're a country like the States who China doesn't like, you'll need a Chinese visa. If you're Dutch, no visa required.
Book a Saturday night at the Grand Hyatt Hotel.
If you want to know where you're going, buy a little red book at Dymocks that's basically the Cliff's Notes for Shenzhen. The title is escaping me...
Grab the train from HK in the morning on Saturday. Bring a an overnight change of clothes, plenty of renminbi (Shenzhen is CASH ONLY), any clothing you're having copied, a list of all the TV series and current movies you've been wanting to see and a trolley or large backpack (to haul everything back home). Wear comfortable clothes and shoes and bring an oxygen tank. I kid, but do give your lungs a pep talk on how miserable they will be for the next 24 hours.
Get off the train and head straight to Lo Wu. (You can't miss it!) Go directly to your tailor on the 5th floor as this will take the most time. Have all your clothes made - show them the piece you've brought, get measured, etc. They'll take you to the fabric section to choose your fabrics. They'll ship everything to you 5 days later.
Next head to Betty and ask for the good DVDs. She will direct you to another stall where you'll sit in front of a laptop operated by a Chinese guy. He will flip through movie and TV series posters; you say "yes" for the ones you want. He then crawls up into the ceiling (I kid you not) and comes back with everything you ordered.
It's a no-brainer, but I feel compelled to come right out and say it - Skip the dental implants and cosmetic surgery places.
Head to Ling Ling for purses. Tell her you want to see the good stuff in the warehouse and follow one of the shopkeepers as she takes you outside of Lo Wu, across a busy street and up into a semi-frightening building. She'll open the doors to a flat filled with designer handbags and wallets. PURE HEAVEN.
Grab your purses, head back to the Grand Hyatt, shower away all the Lo Wu grime and get a bite to eat. Fall into bed after all your hard work!
Get up the next morning, grab breakfast and head to Queen Spa. It's a 5-story building that's dedicated just to spa treatments. It's part cruise ship/part Vegas, but so worth it. Don't freak out when you and your spouse get separated. They do this so that you can get undressed and showered in the women's changing room. You'll meet again on the 3rd floor. I recommend getting a 75-minute full-body massage in a private room. Then meet up with your spouse in a common room where you'll settle into an enormous Lazy Boy-like chair, equipped with a mini TV. Spend the next 5 hours, watching TV, ordering food and getting various spa treatments - head massage, pedi, hand massage, etc.
Get dressed, say a teary goodbye to Queen Spa and head back to the tailor at Lo Wu for a second fitting. If you're getting suits made from scratch, INSIST on a second fitting.
After your fitting, grab the train back to HK.

A week later, your beautiful new clothes will arrive looking like this:

Don't be alarmed! It's not a dead body. Grab some scissors and carefully open the "package". Consider wearing a face mask because all of the lovely lung-destroying cigarette smoke from Lo Wu will come rushing out. Pull out your clothes and hang each item in front of a window to air out (you can also dry-clean, but that ruins clothes quickly) and iron when the smell is gone. Voila! You have an entire new wardrobe!

You MUST MUST MUST go to Shenzhen at least once in your life. And this is coming from someone who hates crowds, dirt, smoke and general chaos.

In case you're curious

2011-11-29T01:08:00.000-08:00

This is what a Chinese keyboard looks like:

Sometimes it's the little things.

Noodle Heaven

2011-11-27T17:27:00.000-08:00

If there's one thing I'll miss about HK, it's this:

A piping hot bowl of vermicelli noodles with fat shrimp wontons - all nesting in a hot broth. Add a splash of chili oil and loads of tangy vinegar... sorry, I think I was just possessed by the spirit of Nigella Lawson.

Have I mentioned that this satisfying meal costs less than $3?!

Urinal Dos and Don'ts

2011-11-22T22:03:00.000-08:00

If you're like me, you don't spend a lot of times around urinals. While I get the efficiency, I find them creepy.

You're in luck if you travel to Thailand because they have very clear instructions on what to do and NOT do at the urinal. And here I thought the only option was to pee.

And no, I wasn't doing covert blog research in a Thai men's room. At least not for this post - badum-bum! It was sent to me by my friend David who said, "I guess this means I can't wash my feet in the urinal anymore." Guess not.

And another thing

2011-11-08T21:28:00.000-08:00

...I won't miss - military time. The rest of the world uses military time, something that took a lot of getting used to. I still take half a second upon seeing 16:05 on my clock to decide if it's 4:05pm or 6:05pm.

Up to now this has been a mere annoyance. However today it became full-on issue when I showed up at the airport for my 1pm flight to Tokyo only to find out that I'm 12 hours late. The flight took off last night at 1am!!

The Cathay counter lady pointed out to me that 1:00 was 1am and 13:00 was 1pm. Um yeah, I know, I really do. However a 1am departure seems ridiculous to me for a 3.5 hour flight. And I guess I'm always going to naturally think in American time.

Another reason I'm looking forward to being back in the land of am and pm.

On

2011-11-08T00:14:00.000-08:00

I thought Milky and Chewbacca were funny names. Then I was served at our local Starbucks by a guy whose name tag read:

On

Just On. His name is On.

He wouldn't let me take a picture of it. I guess I would be emabarrassed if my name was On too.

I wonder if his sister is named Off?

Have I mentioned?

2011-11-06T22:08:00.000-08:00

...that we will be leaving beautiful 70-degree weather in Hong Kong for brutal NYC winter weather?? Since there was a nor'easter in October, I'm preparing myself for the worst. Am having faint memories of being too cold to shower in the morning, stepping into invisible ankle-deep black slush on the street corners and being pale as f*ck.

Have I also mentioned that 60 degrees feels cold to me?

Yeah, I'm screwed.

Lists, Lists and More Lists

2011-11-04T01:06:00.000-07:00

As I start to contemplate life after Hong Kong, I feel compelled to wrap things up in a nice, neat package. For someone like me (a Type-A Virgo who believes she can control everything including weather on her wedding day) that means a list or, in this case, a few lists.

Here's what I will miss and not miss about this place...

What I will miss about Hong Kong

Hot pot
Hot pot
Did I mention hot pot?

T-shirt weather in December
2-hour plane ride to Thailand, 1-hour plane ride to Vietnam, 4 hours to Singapore, 4.5 to Tokyo, etc.
Clean streets
Cheap taxis
Reliable, timely, clean subway system
Star Ferry at night
$4 bowl of shrimp wonton soup on Wellington
Weekly tai tai lunches with Laura

What I will NOT miss about Hong Kong

Rice Kings
Playing chicken with the locals who try to walk through me (actually, I might miss that!)
Annoying telemarketing calls in Cantonese
Sweating through all my clothes
Pollution
The sights, sounds, smells and disgusting stuff on the ground at the wet market

America bashing
Feeling like a giant around 90% of the population
The lack of black people, Hispanic people, good bagels and Mexican food
The panicked frenetic beeping sound from the crosswalk lights
Malls - if I ever step foot in one again, shoot me

What I will miss about Discovery Bay

Poolside at Siena Club 2pm on a Sunday

XL iced teas at ZAKS
Manic Mondays, Jump-n-Pump and other Christa-led classes
Walking Victor leash-less around La Costa
Coffee at a picnic table in the Plaza at 10:30am on a Monday
Wine/beer/alcoholic beverage in the Plaza at 5pm on a Thursday
Being surrounded by friends who are exactly in your situation (kind of like college for adults)
After-work tennis game with the hubby on a Monday
Being called "sexy" by well-meaning Filipinas
The views

Boxing Day 2010

What I will NOT miss about Discovery Bay

Sucking in diesel fumes while waiting for the ferry
Fusion cashiers not understanding how a conveyor belt works
Life in a fishbowl
Parents who have NO IDEA where their 3-year old has wandered off to in the Plaza
The HKR fun police
People farting/burping/clipping their nails/[insert disgusting behavior here] on the ferry
The Forum (ok, maybe a little)

Hong Kongers and DB-ers - what am I missing?!

Start Spreadin' the News...

2011-11-02T19:28:00.000-07:00

I'm leavin' today.
I want to be a part of it...
New York, New York

Well friends - I knew this day would come eventually... As an expat it's kind of inevitable.

We are moving back to New York.

Yep, packing up our dehumidifiers, rice maker, chopsticks and milk teas and heading back to the land of bagels, lox and black people. It's surreal because the whole thing came completely out of the blue.

I'm filled with excitement, sadness, hope and nostalgia. The minute we got the news, my love of Hong Kong grew exponentially. Which is funny because I didn't even know it existed in the first place. Now I have a bucket list as long as Dwight Howard's arm for things to do/see/experience/visit before I leave Asia. And only 6 weeks to do them in because we will be back in New York before Christmas!

Before you fret about this blog disappearing (because obviously this is an integral part of your daily existence!), keep in mind that I still have six more weeks of Chinglish and swinging ahead of me. Er, writing about them, that is. Or maybe I should try some swinging before I leave - after all, this could be my last chance to end up as a salacious topic on The Forum!

I haven't lived in New York for three years, which means I'll technically be an expat when I return. Even now when I go back stores are gone, others have cropped up (there is a Trader Joe's on the UWS!) and I can't remember which stops the 4/5/6 trains make. When I left New York in 2008, Obama had just taken office, bin Laden was still alive and Kim Kardashian was dating Reggie Bush. Feels like a lifetime ago. ;)

I've been told by expat friends that the transition back home is not a seamless one, so be prepared for lots of moaning about how I miss my life in Hong Kong. Also be prepared (if you're an American) for me to say things like "air con" instead of "AC" and "quite" instead of "really." Years ago I had a friend who lived in Australia for a year and then moved back to NYC. She came back saying "mate" and a little piece of me died every time it came out of her mouth. Now, I'll be the one people are rolling their eyes at and thinking "well, isn't she high and mighty with her international vocabulary".

In summary (this post deserves some formality!), while I am moving back to New York, I will continue blogging about life as an expat. I'll just be doing it from a noodle shop in Chinatown.

Chinese Halloween

2011-10-31T01:12:00.000-07:00

Hong Kong Resorts, the Chinese corporation that owns our town (not kidding), is organizing a haunted house in our town center for Halloween. They did it last year and I'm pretty sure it was a hit.

I was talking to an HKR employee (a sweetheart named Pearl) and asked her if they were doing a haunted house again this year:

PEARL (very excited): Oh yes, except this year the haunted house is going to be Chinese.

ME: Really - what does that mean?

PEARL: There is a bridge and on the bridge there's an old lady who will give the kids poison soup. Then the kids will fall off the bridge.

ME (not sure what to say): Oh, okay.

I've walked around for the last week wondering what in the hell she was talking about. Then today, a friend of a friend on Facebook wrote this:

I know this story!! It's believed that when everyone dies, the spirit will have to pass the 'bridge', at the end of it, this old lady will make you drink that soup... after the sip, you will FORGET everything, everyone of your life and move on to wherever you are suppose to go.... sob sob...

I have two thoughts on this subject: 1) Are kids going to understand what is going on inside that haunted house?! 2) This whole thing is VEEEERY creepy.

Have I mentioned that these Halloween festivities -- all geared towards kids - are called "Journey to Hell"?! Slightly inappropriate, wouldn't you say?!

Drug Driving

2011-10-30T09:03:00.000-07:00

The HK government put up a new sign on a major tunnel here leading into Central (e.g. our Midtown). It reads:

Drug driving maybe your journey to death.

I'm going to ignore "drug driving" and "maybe" and focus on the crux of the message.

While creative and unusual, "journey to death" is a bit too fun for their point. It sounds like you're about to board the latest rollercoaster at Six Flags. "Get ready for the scariest 3 minutes of your life on the new Journey to Death. After your 350-foot drop, you may just not come back." (cue sinister laughing)

As a child of the late 80s/early 90s, I prefer the "This is your brain on drugs" approach. Visual, straight to the point and dramatic - well as dramatic as frying an egg can be.

PS - thanks Laura for the heads up on this!!

Soup for Sluts

2011-10-26T21:39:00.000-07:00

A bonafide product you can find in grocery stores here:

You gotta love the tag line - "Cheap, fast and easy"!

Someone needs to tell Ricky's, the Pleasure Chest and other adult shops in the States. Would make a great companion for penis macaroni, no?

Thank you David for this submission - it's right up there with "No Fart Inside Room".

The Rice King

2011-10-24T01:07:00.000-07:00

A common sight in this part of the world:

Old, fat and/or ugly White man + young, attractive, thin Asian woman

When I say common, there are days I come across seven of these couples before lunchtime! Usually it doesn't bother me - especially when the couple seems to be equally matched in at least one area - age, attractiveness, etc. What does make my skin crawl is when I spot a 70-year old man with an Asian woman in her 20s. Gag.

I know what drives the women - money and security. So many of these women are dirt poor and doing anything they can to feed themselves and their families back home. (I'm writing this in earnest - no sarcasm here.) I get doing anything you can aside from prostitution to better your situation.

I can't figure out what drives the Rice King. Has he always had a thing for Asian women and so making his way to Hong Kong was a logical decision? Did he not really have a thing for Asian women until moving to Asia and then he realized he was missing out? Or is he just old, fat and ugly and can't find anyone else who wants to be with him?

It doesn't matter really. As long as we're all of consenting age, who am I to judge? But it does keep your gag reflex active.

Foot Note: Let me just be clear about something - not all white man + Asian woman couples fall into this category. You know a Rice King situation when you see one.

Story of My Life

2011-10-21T04:46:00.000-07:00

Had the following exchange at my bank yesterday--

Me: I'd like to deposit this check into my (pausing for effect and speaking extra slowly and plainly) c-h-e-c-k-i-n-g account.

Bank Teller (looking me in the eye and nodding his head): Yes, OK.

He types on the keyboard and looks at the check for a minute and then says...

Bank Teller: Checking or savings account?

You can't blame this kind of thing on the language barrier. It's just pure stupidity or something. Actually, I have no idea what it is - but it happens to me every time I go to the bank.

Reinforcing Stereotypes

2011-10-21T04:36:00.000-07:00

Check out the headline on the upper right-hand side of the China Daily:

This is why I will NEVER live in China. Ever.

That and the fact that the entire population stands around watching while a 2-year old gets run over by a van TWICE -- and does nothing. Yeah, any place that's mean to kids and animals sounds like hell, literally.

Why I Love Discovery Bay

2011-10-19T22:32:00.001-07:00

The dog waiting area outside of Fusion, our supermarket

Brings a smile to may face every day!

Serenity Now

2011-10-11T00:49:00.000-07:00

Turn on the TV and find this message on my screen:

After trying to reboot my cable box twice, I call the customer service line and go through all the prompts - 1 for English, 4 for customer and technical support, 2 for if you don't have video or audio on your screen. Then, instead of putting me through to a customer support person, I get a pre-recorded message to the effect of "This is not a NowTV problem; you need to call another number." Frustrated, I press 0 to speak with an operator; however the line just rings and rings and rings...for 5 minutes.

Can someone please explain to me why I'm directed by NowTV to call this number for this specific error only to have NowTV tell me that I'm calling the wrong number??

These are the moments I realize it's a good thing I don't live in a country where guns are legal and accessible. (Kidding. Well sort of.)

You Can't Make This Stuff Up

2011-10-11T00:30:00.000-07:00

Check out the name of this taxi driver:

Butt King Yu.

Someone named their son Butt. Or maybe it's Butt King as in Mary-Kate or Ann-Douglas.

Either way it's pretty ridiculous, isn't it?

The Fraggot

2011-09-22T17:30:00.000-07:00

Only in Asia is it ok to have a TV personality named The Fraggot. You have Stuart Scott in the States; we have The Fraggot here in Hong Kong.

Have a looksie at this commercial, which airs non-stop on our ESPN channel here:

http://www.espnstar.com/game/

Other than the ridiculous and quasi-offensive name of The Fraggot, are you astounded at the production quality? The special effects alone are Oscar-worthy.

A Blogger's Dilemma

2011-09-22T17:12:00.000-07:00

Almost three years into expat life here and I've reached a point that I've always feared could be looming ahead:

I have a great post that I want to write, but it's about a friend here who reads this blog who will instantly know I'm talking about her. It's not negative, but would still be offensive, I think.

I'm also getting the distinct impression that other "friends" (ok, acquaintances) who read this blog are scared to hang out with me for fear something they say or do will end up on this blog. Again, won't name names or examples of how I can tell, but I can.

So sorry for the radio silence recently - but alienating friends isn't a smart move. Let's hope some t-shirt Chinglish or a good swinging story crossed my path soon!

Cheese Please

2011-09-15T00:15:00.000-07:00

I have an unhealthy relationship with cheese. Not a meal goes by where some form of cheese - sprinkled parmesan on my pasta, a slice of swiss on a sandwich, a smear of cream cheese on my morning toast, doesn't find its way on my plate.

I'm not sure why I'm telling you all of this. I guess it has something to do with this picture:

The beauty of being an international housewise is that you can assemble at 5 on a Friday for impromptu drinks and cheese with women from all over the globe. And lest you think we're all work and no play, I'll have you know this Happy Hour gathering was educational.

I learned that Gouda (seen above with the cute Dutch toothpicks) is Dutch. I've also learned that my pronunciation (goo-dah) is incorrect. The Dutch say hu-dah. For the first syllable, you need to sound like you're trying to hawk a loogie.

See, it's not all tennis lessons and martinis.

What Not to Wear

2011-09-13T21:50:00.000-07:00

Spotted this demure flower on the Monday 9am ferry:

Because black thigh-highs lined with fake rhinestones, a miniskirt that barely covers your hoo-ha, camouflage and 4-inch booties are super appropriate for the 9am commuter ferry.

But you know what part of this ensemble bothers me the most? The long pieces of hair that have been strategically pulled from her ponytail and are hanging in her face. That and her scowl - tres pretty.

I guess the only question I have is -- is this a ferry ride of shame or does her office have a "business sexual" dress policy?

The Chinese Man Purse

2011-09-10T21:50:00.000-07:00

Another prevalent custom you find here is men carrying their wives/girlfriends purses. Sometimes, when it's a satchel or Lands End-esque tote, I'm on board with it and think, "Aw, how nice of him to carry that heavy bag for his lady." With how much crap my husband tries to shove in my bag (wallet, iphone, sunglasses, gum, etc.), he should be carrying it!

Other times, I see this (below) and think "werk it, gurrrl!"

Doncha just love how it sits in the crook of his arm - a la Jessica Simpson?! He's been doing this a long time to know where the purse carrying sweet spot is.

Profeshionel Chinglish

2011-09-09T00:22:00.000-07:00

Oh, the irony...

I need to open up a business where Chinese businesses consult me before printing anything in English. I would make millions...and finally be able to afford a golf cart!

Status

2011-09-07T23:18:00.000-07:00

In New York City, social status was determined from things like your zip code or what school your kids go to or if and where you have a summer/weekend/country house. Did you have the latest Mui Mui bag or were you still trying to rock a Coach (big misstep)?

In Discovery Bay, there are two things - and only two things, that will catapult you to the top of the social stratosphere:

Two helpers -- because anyone and everyone has one helper
A golf cart -- because mass transit is so pedestrian

Here in DB, cars are not allowed. Instead, you are encouraged to take buses, walk or drive a golf cart. I'm sure all the Americans are thinking, "Easy choice. I'd love to plunk down $3K for a golf cart instead of $30K for my SUV." Except that in Discovery Bay, golf carts cost $800,000 HKD (~$120,000USD). ONE HUNDRED THOUSAND DOLLARS...for a...GOLF CART. The same golf carts that you use to get the 18th hole on a course - nothing extra special going on in these.

To put that in perspective, I just did a quick eBay search and you can get the following for $1,400 USD:

Club Car Golf Cart: New Tires & Hub Caps, New Tinted Fold Down Windshield, New Directionals, Golf Cart Encloser keep dry from rain, Battery Charger, Front and Rear Lights, Horn, Full RearView Mirror Across Top, Have Golf Bag Holders, Cup Holders, Two Compartments, Tee Holders, Ball Holder, 36 Volts Six Batteries. No tears on seats. Inspected and road ready.

Yeah, the math just doesn't add up.

The White Obsession

2011-09-06T21:09:00.000-07:00

~~Most~~ Asian women are OBSESSED with having white skin. They wear huge poker-player visors (also known as welders masks); they purchase beauty creams that taut bleaching effects; they dip their heads in chalk. OK, I'm lying about that last one. But having white skin is a big thing here. My theory is that whiter skin signifies higher social ranking - like, only the peasants who work in the fields have a tan. And, let's be honest, staying out of the sun *is* good for your skin.

However, I thought all of this only applied to the face.

Nope. Turns out, Asian women also want their underarms to be "visibly whiter". Check out the Nivea "Extra Whitening" deodorant that my friend Laura came across at the drug store:

Um, call me crazy, but big ole white stripes under my arms is NOT the desired effect I'm looking for in a deodorant.

Hot Lost Buns

2011-09-04T19:50:00.000-07:00

These are sold at the concession stands inside our movie theaters:

If that isn't appetizing enough, when you order the hot dog, they don't give you a bun. They just hand you a bare sausage to munch on! Yesterday, I happened to be sitting next to a guy eating one and let me tell you - there is nothing more vomitous than a grown man chewing on a bare-fisted hot dog. Nothing.

More T-shirt Chinglish

2011-08-29T16:43:00.000-07:00

Spotted another beauty while walking in Central and - bonus points - this one includes Michigan! Let's hope it's a slam on their football program.

And drum roll please, the tshirt says:

Motive Under Ground Janus

Rouces Run Bright

Supercrime

Exhausted

Michigan

Nursing

2011-08-22T21:58:00.000-07:00

At a dinner party last night with lots of girls - Aussies, Brits, Dutchies, etc. - and heard the funniest story from an Aussie mom.

She was part of an expat baby group in Tokyo. When one mom arrived with her newborn, the group started ooh-ing and aah-ing over the little one. My friend said, "Oh he's so cute; can I nurse him?"

To which all the moms in the group gasped and clutched their children. My friend was very confused until one of the girls asked, 'What do you mean 'nurse'?" Turns out in Australia, nursing means cuddling or holding. Of course these ladies thought she was about to whip out her boob and start feeding all their babies.

Now my friend says she cringes when her own mother says, "Oh I can't wait to nurse my grandson!"

Imparting my Expat Wisdom

2011-08-22T01:28:00.000-07:00

For any Americans out there getting ready to embark on the expat adventure, I have one piece of advice for you:

Get a Slingbox and hook it up to your parents', sister's, brother's, neighbor's, friend's cable box.

Oh you thought I might say, learn the language or study the culture or join as many community groups as possible. Nope, get yourself some decent television because chances are the TV where you're going sucks.

Community Caring Counter

2011-08-22T01:20:00.000-07:00

There are 4 counters at our local HSBC branch -

Premier - people who pay a little extra each month so they can jump the line

Normal (unmarked, btw)- everyday people who have to wait in line (like moi)

Corporate - where cashiers from the local Subway and 7-11 deposit their daily earnings

And then there's the Community Caring Counter -

I have NO IDEA what it means or who's supposed to stand in this line. People in the community who care? People in the community who HSBC cares about? Care Bears??

Expat Hedonism

2011-08-22T01:10:00.000-07:00

All my swinging posts have come from a very lighthearted, "can you believe this stuff *really* goes on?" place. With each new story that comes to light, however, I'm starting to feel like I live in the expat offshoot of Hedonism.

I know a 25-year old woman - a gorgeous, down-to-earth, has a good job and head on her shoulders, 25 year-old woman. She has a serious live-in boyfriend; they've been together for a looong time. One day she finds out that her boyfriend is cheating on her...with a friend of theirs...a 41-year old...mother of three...who's married....and also lives in their building. The two couples have been friends for quite some time. Now, the wife has left her husband and is parading around town with my friend's ex-bf.

WTF?!? Have I left the universe of normalcy? When did 25-year olds leave their hot girlfriends for married mothers in their 40s? When did couples who are friends swap partners? What sounds like the plot of a bad porno is going down in my town every night. When did this all become ok??

The thing is - I have a lot of friends. And when I look back at my other groups of friends (high school, college, NYC, etc.) I can't find one who is involved in swinging. It's not all peachy-keen, trust me. Some have gotten divorced, others have hit rough patches and been in therapy, but none have been involved in rampant cheating....with friends or neighbors. Not a ONE. And of all the crazy, booze-filled parties I've been to, not one has ended with Husband #1 leaving with Wife #2. Not a ONE.

So what is in the water here in Discovery Bay? Why do so many people cheat, swing and/or hang out at the bars begging for someone other than their spouse to fluff their muffin?

Until I find out, we'll be sticking to bottled water in this household.

And I Thought Fingernail Clipping Was Bad...

2011-08-07T23:48:00.000-07:00

Experienced a new low on the ferry over the weekend. Was sitting in my seat minding my own business when I hear someone behind me fart. Turn around to find a Chinese woman wafting her crotch area with a fan...in my direction. I guess she thought it was a good idea to fan her fart.

And her husband sat right next to her the entire time. That's love and devotion - or a seriously sick fetish.

You can't make this stuff up.

PS - Why is this blog suddenly dominated by flatulence stories??!

T-Shirt Chinglish

2011-08-07T23:41:00.000-07:00

Happened to have my phone handy so was able to capture this classic example of t-shirt Chinglish:

For those visually-impaired, it reads:

I can not to for a call for you even if I call me many times

China Owns America...And is Trying to Sell it Off

2011-08-06T06:29:00.000-07:00

Husband was reading the paper (South China Morning Post) today and spotted this advertisement on the front page:

This is REAL. Our newspaper is inviting Hong Kongers to purchase foreclosed New York houses. To make matters worse, they are selling them in bulk - "you choose any five" and presenting it like a Las Vegas buffet - "your choice, any combination".

If it wasn't painfully obvious that the States are in dire straits, it is now. Every American who reads this should send it to their Congressman, thank them for doing such a bang-up job on the most important economic decision of our time and ask them to step down and never run for office again.

On the flip side, if any of you are looking to buy a house, let us know and we'll set up a meeting with these folks. ;)

Important Notice

2011-08-05T00:20:00.000-07:00

Spotted this sign in the changing room at our country club:

Which begs the question - what else are people using the hair dryer for???

Wife Swap

2011-08-01T20:07:00.000-07:00

Awhile back I talked about a band of swingers -- and how one couple tried to break off from the pack and do their own thing, which ruffled everybody's feathers.

Yeah, that couple has since legally separated from their spouses and are trying to give the whole ~~swinging~~ relationship thing a chance. Not to get all Carrie Bradshaw on you, but it made me think:

Can you go from swinging to a real relationship?

And also:
Do you ever really trust this person?
How do you explain how you met: to your kids, your parents, people you just meet?
Do you continue to swing as a new couple?
Do you keep the same friends?
Are people scared to invite you to dinner parties?
What happened to the spouses that got left behind? Do they still swing?

Then I thought of two stories where cheating/swinging actually worked:

The first is about a friend of a friend -- let's call her Z. When Z was in her 20s she often hooked up with a guy who was engaged. They'd have sex-filled lunch breaks (on the bed of the engaged couple!) and carried on for quite awhile. Of course all her friends thought she was crazy...until the guy dumped his fiancee, married Z and they had two children together. While this seems to have a happy ending, I'd bet my life that Z has spyware on her hubby's computer...

The second is a true story about two Yankees players who swapped wives and lives...for good! Here's what I lifted from Wiki:

He may be best remembered today for swapping families with fellow Yankee pitcher Mike Kekich, an arrangement the pair announced at spring training in March 1973. Peterson and Kekich had been inseparable friends since 1969; both families lived in New Jersey, their children were about the same age, and often they all would visit the Bronx Zoo or the shore or enjoy a picnic together. They decided that they would one day trade wives, children, and even dogs.

The affair began in 1972, when the two couples joked on a double date about wife swapping, a phenomenon that caught on in some uninhibited circles during the early 1970s. According to one report, the first swap took place that summer, after a party at the home of New York sportswriter Maury Allen. The couples made the change official in October; Kekich moving in with Marilyn Peterson and Peterson with Susanne Kekich, but no word leaked out until spring of 1973. A light moment came when New York Yankees General Manager Lee MacPhail remarked, "We may have to call off Family Day." The trade worked out better for Peterson than it did for Kekich, as Peterson is still married to the former Susanne Kekich, with whom he has had four children. Kekich and Marilyn Peterson did not last long.^[1]

My conclusion? If invited to swing, politely decline. No matter how harmless and fun it seems in the beginning, someone always gets burned in the end.

A Tai Tai Hater

2011-08-01T19:46:00.000-07:00

I don't want to bag on my fellow tai-tais, but sometimes they drive me nuts.

Case in point:

When walking around our grocery store you inevitably see a tai tai shopping with her helper. She looks like a little tyrant walking around and pointing at various items while the helper runs behind her grabbing and then throwing them in the cart. When it's time to check out, the helper does all the work, while Miss I Don't Want to Break a Nail stands there and watches.

Isn't the point of having a helper to make your life more easier? If so, then why on earth are you both doing the shopping?? Shouldn't one of you be looking after the kids or ironing or something? Divide and conquer, people.

The Greatest Sign Ever Made

2011-07-28T21:40:00.000-07:00

My friend Christa spotted this beauty when she was at a recording studio here in Hong Kong.

Goooooo Team!

2011-07-28T00:34:00.000-07:00

Another expat milestone crossed off the list - I attended an international sporting event! We went to see Chelsea (English soccer team) play Kitchee (Hong Kong soccer team) at Hong Kong Stadium. While maybe not as exciting as eating hot pot in TST or haggling over DVDs and fake Vuitton bags in Shenzhen, it deserves a blog posting.

Rather than go into some long post about how hot it was (BEYOND; never sweated so much in my life; whole place smelled like a dirty gym sock) or how hard it was to use the British vernacular (it's football, not soccer; a pitch, not a field; and a match, not a game), I will share with you what we encountered at the concession stand. We looked at the menu:

Five items. I like a simple menu with a few, straight-forward choices. And I was super psyched to see things like fried rice and Thai noodles on the menu next to the hot dogs and chicken nuggets.

Then we spotted these two signs hanging under the menu:

Fried Noodles Sold Out and Hot Dogs Sold Out. Got it.

Then we looked to the right and spotted another two signs:

Chicken Nuggets Sold Out and Fried Rice Sold Out.

Of course. Guess that leaves - let me see here...math has never been my strong suit....5-4 = 1, so just potato chips!

Did I mention this was BEFORE the game even started?!

Proud Pussies

2011-07-25T00:06:00.000-07:00

Admit it - you thought I was lying when I told you people here call cats pussies. Or you thought I was exaggerating. To those of you, I say have a look at a page from the recent issue of "The List":

"Cats do not groom themselves, they lick themselves." Duly noted, sir.

There is a God

2011-07-25T00:01:00.000-07:00

...and he watches NASCAR, possibly has a mullet and knows every word to "Sweet Home Alabama". He's heard my pleas for some Diet Mountain Dew (my favorite soft drink ever and what my best friend - who's from Connecticut - calls my redneck soda) and finally decided to bestow some upon me.

Found these at Gateway (our Costco) yesterday! My husband said (in a serious voice), "Should we take them all?"

Reader Generated Content

2011-07-24T23:56:00.000-07:00

Two friends recently gave me some good blog-worthy items that I'm about to share with you. Does this mean I have contributors?!?! I hope so; it makes me sound very important.

The first is a story with no visuals (THANK GOD!) from my friend Tiffany:

Tiffany is in the changing/locker room at our country club waiting for her daughter to finish using the restroom. She sees a Chinese woman changing into her swimsuit and watches as the woman takes her used panty liner out of her underwear and lays it on the changing bench! Then she proceeds to put her swimsuit on and put away her clothes - all while her bloody liner lays out in the open (not wrapped up in anything) on the bench!!! There is no shame in her game...

The second is a picture of a sign posted on one of those kids ball pits (e.g. the kind you find at Chucky Cheese) from my friend Laura:

Check out Rule #2 - No sleeping in the ball pit! No kidding.

And for the record, we are happy to receive any good pictures, stories, etc. that HK people find out there, so send away!

Fun with Food

2011-07-24T23:45:00.000-07:00

Two food-related items for you...

1. My husband spotted this gem:

I'm 99% sure they were going for "chicken nuggets," but let's be honest - "chicken nagged" is so much better.

2. And we both came across this at the Western-oriented grocery store in our town:

Because nothing quenches your thirst quite like...vinegar! And I love the tag line - "Not only do they taste good, but they are good for you packed with lots of nutrition." Who's "they"??

TMI

2011-07-20T20:43:00.000-07:00

Language differences and cultural differences are two, well, different things. When someone doesn't hold the door for you, it's cultural. When someone calls you and launches immediately into Cantonese even though you're screaming "No Cantonese. English only," it's language. A perfect shining example presented itself to me the other day...

There's a very fun couple in our neighborhood who we really like. She's Malaysian, but speaks perfect English and is completely hip on what's happening in Western culture. She could be any of my American friends except when things like this happen:

Me: How are you?
Her: Not feeling good.
Me: Oh no, what's wrong?
Her: I have very bad stomach pains with a lot of gas building up inside me. (There were hand motions to indicate where the gas build-up was happening.)

This is more my style:

Me: How are you?
Her: Not feeling too hot.
Me: Oh no, what's wrong?
Her: Nothing crazy, just some tummy issues.
OR
Her: Minor stomach ache.

My initial reaction was to be embarrassed by what was being shared. Then I realized she wasn't embarrassed to tell me, so why should I be embarrassed to hear it? I feel like this is the message behind that popular children's book "Everybody Poops".

Kardashian World Domination Continues...

2011-07-17T19:04:00.000-07:00

I have a real love/hate relationship with the Kardashian klan. And it starts with the ridiculousness of their names all starting with a K.

Before moving to HK where TV is, excuse the repetition, ridiculous, I NEVER watched the Kardashians. Never. Didn't even think about it, ponder whether I should, allow my finger to hover over the "Channel Up" button while Kim appeared on screen, nothing. In fact, I outwardly lamented to anyone who would listen that the world was coming to an end when people like Kim's ass and its familial relations were given airtime. I had similar rants about Paris Hilton and The Hills cast.

Then I moved to HK and it rocketed to the top of my viewing list. How can Courtney (I refuse to give into the K nonsense) stay with that douchebag? Why doesn't anyone listen to Chloe, who seems to be the most level-headed in the bunch? Is Rob a person or a prop and how did he escape the whole K name thing? These became my inner thoughts which eventually turned into uttered complaints to my husband who just looked at me with pity.

I willed myself not to get hooked on the latest iteration of Kardashian insanity - I will NOT watch Khloe and Kourtney Take Miami. I refuse to give into the fakeness that will be Khloe & Lamar. Then I started to panic when I missed an episode.

Now I assumed that this was my own dirty little secret. I am a woman, I used to work in the entertainment industry and I probably watch 40% more television than the average person. Seems like the right ingredients for a Kardashian fan, no? I'm sure none of our international expat friends watch this crap.

Cut to a fancy French steakhouse where I'm at a work dinner with my husband. Surrounded by Morgan Stanley folks, I'm seated next to a proper Scottish man and the convo somehow turns to TV. Turns out he also keeps up with the Kardashians and hates himself for it - I used to just casually watch the show - a snippet here, a snippet there. Now I find myself forming opinions on these people. I knew something was wrong when I started saying things like, "That Lamar seems like a sensible chap." I feel his pain.

On one hand, I'm happy to know that I'm not alone. On the other hand, I am absolutely disgusted that Kris Jenner's master plan is working and Scottish men living in Hong Kong think she's a total bitch for making Bruce sleep in the garage.

M.I.A. in N.Y.C.

2011-07-17T18:25:00.000-07:00

Hi all--

I have to apologize for going MIA on you once again. Like most expat families in Hong Kong, we headed back to the homeland for four weeks. I made plans for our apartment, our dog and our mail, but didn't give you folks any kind of heads up. Sometimes I forget that it's not just me, my best friend and a random Bangladeshi reading this blog.

Being home was delicious. There's nothing like it. While I maintain that New York City is still the greatest place on earth, I must also be honest. This is what greeted me in SoHo:

This picture doesn't do justice to how ample the bum buttcrack on the corner of Houston and Broadway really was. While snapping this picture, I took a moment to think about the people who are begging on the streets of Hong Kong. Night and day, my friends. Night and day.

I also spotted the NYC version of helpers in Union Square one day:

I hate to diss my own helpers (and Lyn if you're reading this, obviously I'm not talking about you, so please don't spit in my OJ!), but their NYC counterparts are killing them in the style department. This last shot could've been pulled out of Vogue.

Anyway, I'm back to observing, ranting and musing on life here in Hong Kong and promise not to pull the shady Irish getaway on you again.

Best Part of a Brunch

2011-06-05T22:27:00.000-07:00

Yeah, the coffee's good and who can complain about an omelet with lots of cheese, but the real good stuff at a brunch is the conversation. I know, I know - I can hear the "duh" coming through the computer. Here are two conversation nuggets I got in today's brunch:

1. My friend who's a flight attendant works with a male flight attendant who's name used to be Noel (pronounced like the Christmas word; not like a man's name) Lopez. He legally changed his name to Noel Sugarplum Fruitcake. Seriously. Next time you're flying United and someone with a "Fruitcake" name tag serves you, it's not a joke. (Oh and he's American, so I can't even blame this one on some language issue.)

2. Another friend of mine saw an old Chinese lady standing outside of our grocery store wearing a t-shirt that read: "I am very shy, but I have a big dick." Now *this* one I can blame on the language issue.

Paging Captain Obvious

2011-06-03T23:08:00.000-07:00

To get to the swimming pool at our country club, you have to walk through the changing room and then this mini pool area, for lack of a better term. I believe the thinking goes that by walking through this you are decontaminating your shoes before you hit the pool deck. Because an outdoor pool deck filled with hundreds of people and kids is germ-free...

Hopefully the humor in placing a "Caution - Wet Floor" sign inside this pool is as obvious to you as it was to me.

Oh and the decontamination logic doesn't stop there! The doorway-like space between the changing room and the decontamination pool area -- a doorway you HAVE TO walk through, has water coming down from the ceiling - as if you're in the shower. Again, I think this piss-poor attempt at getting people "clean" before they get to the pool deck is laughable Why? Because everyone hugs the wall when they walk through so that the shower water raining down from the ceiling doesn't get you wet. You can't see the shower water in this pic - it's coming out of the white tube on the ceiling over the doorway. The helper in the black shirt is likely getting wet in this picture.

Hong Kong logic at its best.

Does Ronald Know About This??

2011-06-03T05:01:00.000-07:00

Walk into McDonald's and order a vanilla milkshake - apparently for the first time in the 2.5 years I've live here. Here's how that went down:

Worker: Can I help you?
Me: Yes, one vanilla milkshake please
Worker: Chocolate or strawberry?
Me: Er, um, vanilla.
Worker: We don't sell vanilla; just chocolate or strawberry.
Me - sighing dramatically, closing up my wallet and walking out the door.

Can this possibly be true? McDs doesn't sell vanilla milkshakes? Isn't there a reason why they're vanilla, a.k.a. the most generic, popular flavor on the planet?! Is it maybe because nothing in Hong Kong makes sense??

Honestly, it's times like these I struggle with reality. I look around and think, "Really? This is really the freakin universe I live in?

Hasidic Unicorn in Hong Kong

2011-05-30T21:24:00.000-07:00

Hell has frozen over. Pigs and donkeys are flying. And all the other cliches you can think of. I just spotted this in line for the Star Ferry today:

I don't know, nor have I met, a moderately-religious Jewish person in Hong Kong, so to spot a Hasidic Jew waiting for the Star Ferry surrounded by a crowd of locals - well, the term unicorn comes to mind. I like to believe that he has just teleported from the Lower East Side and is frantically typing into his time machine (which looks like a cell phone) trying to get back!

In reality he was with his wife and two kids - and didn't seem freaked out at all.

I'm Too Sexy

2011-05-29T21:11:00.000-07:00

China (and most of Asia, I think) celebrates the Dragon Boat Festival, which is on the 5th moon of the 5th month for those of you keeping score at home! I dedicated an entire post to Dragon Boating awhile back, so have a peek if you want the nitty gritty details. For this post, all you need to know is that it's a boat/paddling competition; one that people train for weeks ahead of time.

My friend Sally is competing this year and just so happened to spy this delicious creature at her recent practice:

Not the cute girl in the foreground... The middle-aged, mustached man wearing a spandex half-shirt in the background. Ain't he a beauty? It's one thing to wear a half shirt. Or to wear spandex. It's a whole other thing to wear both at the same time along with bicycle shorts! Oh and if you have a mustache you should be wearing NONE OF THE ABOVE.

What's in a Name?

2011-05-27T18:13:00.000-07:00

Recently I organized a community event, which found me working closely with HK locals. Lovely people, but the language barrier presented one of the highlights of the night.

The person I worked most closely with was named Erica. Halfway through the event Erica comes up to tell me that she has to leave and that her colleague will take her place for the remainder of the event:

Erica: I have to leave but my colleague Ennis here will help with anything that you need.

Not hearing Erica properly I turn to Ennis and say, Hi, I'm Jess. Your name is 'eh-nis'?

Before Ennis can respond, Erica jumps in with, It's Ennis. Sounds like anus.

Alrighty then... The rest of the night I was so scared I was going to call the poor girl Anus.

Here Comes the Bride...

2011-05-23T21:17:00.000-07:00

...Doing a photo shoot during your morning commute. (That rhymed; I feel very Eminem right now!)

If you remember one of my earlier posts, I gave you the low-down on the unique customs of a Chinese (or maybe it's just Hong Kong?) wedding. One of the more surprising elements were the photo shoots that take place in the months leading up to the big day featuring the bride and groom dressed up ~~in someone else's clothes that they rent for the day~~. These photos are included in the save-the-dates, wedding invitations and slideshows on display at the reception. There are at least 5 different locations, backdrops and wardrobe changes for the end product.

Here's a photo shoot in action - complete with veil blowing in the breeze, tuxedo-clad groom off to the side and photo assistant crouched down behind the bride. To me, this is just an odd backdrop. For those non-HKers, she's standing on a crowded walkway connected to a mall that's almost always filled with people running to catch a ferry. This is also the spot where the crippled people beg for money. Now there's an uplifting visual for your wedding invites! Unless he proposed to her on this walkway (which leads to an even bigger question of WHY?), I can't understand the sentimental or artistic appeal of taking photos here.

Note the person crouched down behind her.

Crouching, but not-so-hidden photo assistant!

And don't even get me started on the convenience factor, or lack thereof. People are trying to get to work or catch a ferry. This is so NOT the place to set up your big-ass photo shoot. Isn't there a garden or beach you could be doing this at instead?!

Actually this is pretty tame. I once took Victor for his daily afternoon bathroom break and found a bride full-on splayed out flat on her back on our sidewalk. Bride roadkill, if you will. I just wanted to take her aside and say, "My dog pees here -- in that very spot where you're resting your cheek on the pavement - at least twice a day. I've seen a man puking in the area near your legs. You may want to get up before you stain your rented dress." But I didn't. I just did my best to keep Victor from peeing on her.

Only in Hong Kong

2011-05-22T21:31:00.000-07:00

Donald Trump's latest venture? Nope. Just some good ole Hong Kong wackiness. All the buildings here have "aspirational" names like "Elegance Court" and "Rich Mansion". I guess the thinking goes that eating here will make you rich and powerful. If that were the case, I'd be eating at "Skinny and Rich Cafe" for every meal!

(And don't get me started on the other typo on their sign - "business hour"...singular.)

There's a fun blog posting on other crazy HK building names here: http://blog.seattlepi.com/redlantern/2008/07/23/do-you-live-in-tycoon-court-or-rich-mansion/.

A Swinger's Faux Pas

2011-05-17T19:10:00.000-07:00

Another bonafide case of swinging for you:

A 20-something couple were having drinks at our local hotspot Cafe Duvet - where all the bad shit goes down. (The first, last and only time I went here was on a Wednesday night after a book club. My friend and I were catching up over a glass of wine and 2 beyond-inebriated men came over and harassed us. The things they were saying are unprintable, which I'm sure you find preposterous given the content usually found on this blog! In New York, I would've told these guys to f*ck off and a not-so-nice New York chick would probably slapped them. How did it end, you ask? Well, the one guy leans up against our high-top bar table and knocks it to the ground along with himself and our drinks. I decided to call it a night - and never to go back to Duvet again.) Anyway, back to my story...

A 40-something married couple sits down next to them and proceeds to chat them up and buy them drinks. The youngsters kind of think it's weird but then chalk it up to DB being such a friendly place and all. Ultimately, the older couple turns to the youngsters and asks if they'd like to go home with them. The youngsters politely decline. The oldsters proceed to tell them all the fun they'll be missing out on before leaving. I like to believe the youngsters vomit in their mouths a little bit upon hearing this.

These old swingers really have some chutzpah - asking 20-somethings to sleep with them. Don't they realize that people in their 20s view people in their 40s like grandparents - and nobody wants to see their grandma or grandpa naked. I feel like they broke some unwritten code of swinging, which is to only approach people who are on or below your attractiveness level. That's like Newt Gingrich approaching Cameron Diaz and assuming she'd want to sleep with him. Would never happen in a million years. Now if the tables were turned and Cameron approached Newt, well, clearly we're looking at a different outcome. Or if George Clooney approached Cameron Diaz -- it's a more level playing field.

Also, people in their 20s don't swing - they hook up. And they sure as hell don't need to get involved in the drama of hooking up with married people who are two decades older than them. They can just go hook up with random hot people their age - drama-free.

Lesson learned? Swingers need to stay in their swinging brackets. Ugly people should only approach other ugly people. If an attractive couple asks an ugly couple to swing, that's okay, too. But an ugly couple can never approach an attractive couple. Ditto for fat swingers and skinny swingers; young swingers and old swingers.

Another lesson learned - don't Google "unwritten rules of swinging" or this is what you'll get: http://www.adulttravelforum.com/forums/showthread.php?8115-Unwritten-Rules/page2

Lordy lordy...

D'Asses

2011-05-04T20:14:00.000-07:00

Check out the cookies I spotted in our grocery store:

I don't speak French, but "D'Asses" looks a lot like "de asses" or "of asses". I really hope that's not the case.

Things That Make You Go Hmmmm?

2011-05-04T20:07:00.000-07:00

I'm realizing the title of this posting sums up my life in HK -- and could be the name of my blog overall!

A new store cropped up in one of the many malls in HK - Beauty by Fuji Film. Because where else do you turn when you need a new skin regimen? A film processing company, of course!

Also note the "Collagen Drink 10000" ad on the left. This is very popular here - in lieu of pushing creams and cleansers, the Asian beauty companies encourage you to drink your way to better skin. It must work because nearly all of them have commercials for these skin drinks that come in tiny glass bottles (similar in size to vanilla extract bottles.)

Celebrating bin Laden's Demise From Afar

2011-05-04T19:43:00.000-07:00

When certain momentous events take place in the States, I can't tell you how hard it is to be here. Or rather, how hard it is to not be there. I lived in NYC on 9/11.

My story? I woke up and saw that the commuter traffic outside my bedroom window, which normally formed a steady stream of walkers up 6th Avenue, had stopped with everyone looking south. I went up to my roof where a group of construction workers from a nearby roof told me that a small plane had hit the World Trade Center. Seconds later, we watched the second plane hit the second tower. It sounds cliche, but a cold chill went through my body when I realized this was no accident. Something very bad was going on - and while I didn't know what exactly it was, I knew it wasn't good.

I ran downstairs and realized all my roommates had left for work already. (Being in the music industry generally meant I was the last one to leave in the mornings!) I alternatively tried calling my roommate Betsy at work and my dad in Kentucky to let him know I was okay. Funny story - people in Kentucky hadn't heard the news yet and it just so happened that my dad had a new secretary answering the phones. She kept trying (and failing) to transfer me - and in turn kept hanging up on me. The third time it happened I said, "Do not transfer me. I am his daughter. I am in New York City. We are under attack. You need to get up, walk over to his office and physically put him on the phone." Later, my dad said this poor woman was completely traumatized by the call.

I then connected with Betsy who said that her boyfriend and his roommate (both good friends of mine) were home and that I should go over to their apartment. I lived in Chelsea; these guys lived in the West Village. Normally this is a 5-minute taxi ride or 10-minute subway ride. I jumped in a cab, but we could only go two blocks because of all the confusion and traffic and crowds. So I hopped out and ran the rest of the way.

From my friend's West Village apartment, we watched the towers collapse. Complete shock is the only way I can describe how I felt in that moment. Then, of course, I kicked into major crisis mode and went downstairs to the grocery store and attempted to buy everything I could get my hands on - like everyone else in the neighborhood.

The days that followed were surreal. I can still smell the jet fuel burning- which lingered in the air for weeks after 9/11. The fighter jets that flew over our city that night - their ominous sound amping up the fear factor. Having to show ID to get south of 14th Street. Just how gorgeous the weather was. The media always comment on this - but it's true; that blue sky will always stand out in my mind.

It felt like New Yorkers fell into 3 categories - those who walked around like zombies holding handmade fliers with information on missing loved ones (we ran into good friends who were doing this very thing), those who were trying everything they could to help (donating blood, buying supplies for volunteers, cheering on firemen), and those who gathered at spots like Union Square and Washington Square Park to mourn. My friends and I fell into the latter two categories. We were the lucky ones. So many others had it much much worse.

These are the things I remember - along with the pure fear of "Will it happen again?" I think it took years for that tangible fear to go away...and I'm not sure it's completely gone or ever will be, for that matter.

So when I hear on Monday that US forces have found and killed Osama bin Laden - I am overjoyed. And emotional. And immediately transported back to what life was like on 9/11. I am also very very sad to not be in NYC for this news. It doesn't feel right that I'm not there. My best friend (who- full disclosure, now lives in the NJ suburbs) emails me to say that the mood in the city the next day is unbelievable. I hate not being a part of it. Now I'm not saying I would've been partying at Ground Zero at 2am or hanging from a lamppost in Times Square... but I would've been a part of the good news.

Instead, V and I decided to be loud and proud New Yorkers in Discovery Bay. We donned red, white and blue (for me) and a Yankees cap (for him), headed to the newly opened pizza place run by a New Yorker named Sal (we never need an excuse for this!) and watched MSNBC on Slingbox. We exchanged excited texts and emails with fellow Americans living in HK. It wasn't the same as being there, but it felt good nonetheless.

A slice, a Brooklyn Lager and CNN on Slingbox

Understated Elegance

2011-04-21T05:45:00.000-07:00

This beauty was spotted on our ferry at 3pm in the afternoon.

No, she (yes, SHE) was not a clown. They aren't pajamas or hospital scrubs. It was a legitimate outfit (in her mind) that she wore with a straight face...on a Thursday afternoon.

Street Art in DB

2011-04-18T02:52:00.000-07:00

You've gotta love DB-ers. Someone decided to create this street art (?) near the ferry. I'm not sure what to make of it...but think it's totally blog-worthy.

You've Got (no) Mail

2011-04-18T01:16:00.000-07:00

One of the things I miss most about living in the States? Getting mail. We don't get any mail here - and what we do get is total crap. We get bills, about 10 circulars from real estate agencies (all showing the same 20 properties) and 5 completely random, typo-riddled fliers from contractors and illegal massage parlors. We also get the latest version of InsideDB - a "magazine" (not sure it qualifies) that is so boring I don't even bother opening it anymore. (I stopped when I found a typo in their cover story headline! How hard is it to proof your cover?!)

Oh how I remember the days of mindlessly throwing out my J Crew and Pottery Barn catalogs. Now when I'm back in the States I covet them and try not to flip through them all at once. No more excitement when my Vanity Fair or New York Magazine arrives (because they don't ship to HK). No more "We know you like this [insert Magazine or Store here], so we thought you might enjoy [insert Magazine or Store here]." Not even a freakin menu!

Just my lonely little metal mail box filled with air.

Secret Ziplock Stashes (and the People Who "Guard" DB)

2011-04-18T01:04:00.000-07:00

Here is another random, bizarre element of Discovery Bay... Have a look at the pictures below and note the Ziplock bag containing some sort of pamphlet inside, which is zip-tied to the railing.

This is one of many secretive little stashes that can be found hidden in spots around my neighborhood. This one is pretty conspicuous. Most are hidden behind shrubbery or between slats in a fence. I've even seen one hidden up underneath someone's window!

They came to my attention when I saw a guard writing in one with her stubby little golf course pencil (also attached via string to zip lock bag) and then furtively stuff it back in in and walk away like nothing happened. I was very curious, but late for the ferry so I didn't stop to check it out. Now, when I'm out walking Victor, I see these little hot pockets hidden everywhere! In our neighborhood alone (La Costa, for all you DB-ers reading this), I've spotted at least six.

So what on earth is kept inside these sandwich bags?! Is it a census - are they keeping track of the number of bike-riders and dog-walkers they see in a given day? Or is it a weird version of a time card - seems like a clandestine spot for punching in on the clock. Or is it their way of tracking anything out of place - like "3:20pm Friday - child's bicycle leaned up against house #12"?? It's all in Chinese, so I can't tell.

Whatever it is, I love that they're storing it in Ziplock bags out in the open. Cutting edge storage system, don't ya say?!

Cheeky and Chuffed

2011-04-17T23:40:00.000-07:00

Sounds like the title of a really bad porn, but these are actually terms used in everyday life around here. If you're ever traveling abroad or are a total Cliff Clavin (a know-it-all who knows just enough about a topic to show off at a dinner party), here's a few more you should know:

Cheeky:
~A way someone acts that is cute and desirable
~An annoying person who plays sneaky tricks on people
~A bit on the mischievous side
Usage: "Did you see the way she winked at my boyfriend? Cheeky bee-atch."
**Full disclosure, I'm not even sure I used it correctly there. It's like Italian - I know it when I hear it, but struggle to speak it.

Chuffed:
~ Delighted, pleased, satisfied
Usage: "I was quite chuffed when the scale showed I'd lost 5 lbs."

Happy Days:
OK, get The Fonz out of your head. It's more like...
Usage: "I will go on this diet because I want to get healthy and if I just so happen to lose weight - happy days!"

Much like "mate" it's very hard to get away with saying these things if you're American. I've started saying "happy days" but won't go near "cheeky" or "chuffed". Just can't do it... To clarify, I would *like* to say them, but it would sound forced coming from me. It's like hot pants or a string bikini - I'd love to wear them, but just shouldn't.

While we're on the topic, you'll find that Aussies say:

"Good on you" instead of "good for you"

"How are you going?" instead of "How are you doing?"

They also love to shorten things and will say "uni" instead of university and "dero" instead of "derelict" which apparently is a common insult to throw around Down Under.

And that concludes today's anthropological language study...

Hamburger: Used or Unused?

2011-04-12T18:08:00.000-07:00

Perusing the menu at our local Japanese restaurant and came across the following:

Call me crazy, but I prefer my hamburger unused. :(

April 9, 2011

2011-04-09T17:56:00.000-07:00

The stand-off is over.

The duffel bag was put away (and not by me).

Are you as relieved as I am?

Directions

2011-04-03T23:47:00.000-07:00

I must be assimilating because I've taken a liking to instant ramen noodles. My handy electric tea kettle (an appliance, like my rice maker, that I never in a million years thought I would own) makes preparing these suckers a cinch. That is, until you read the directions...

Have you ever seen this many microwave directions?! Convenience store microwave oven, domestic microwave oven...and then there's 2 different sets of directions for the domestic one (e.g., the one I'm using!)

Is it really necessary to provide FOUR sets of directions for something like instant noodles?? A souffle - perhaps. Beef Bourguignon - definitely. Instant noodles - don't be ridiculous.

And can someone please tell me how to make cold boiling water? (The camera flash kind of covers this up, but you can see it if you look closely.) No really, I'd LOVE to see some cold boiling water.

In case you're wondering I use #3.

The Stand-Off

2011-04-03T23:38:00.000-07:00

This post has nothing to do with Hong Kong and everything to do with being married.

This is a duffel bag from our not-so-recent trip to Barcelona. (We landed back in HK on March 9th - a month ago.)

A certain husband decided it would be a good idea to pack one of those cardboard silo-like tubs of Quaker oatmeal in this duffel bag. Whereas his wife wouldn't have dared to pack something so un-sturdy in a soft duffel bag that will surely get tossed around like a rag doll by airline baggage guys, this husband didn't think twice.

It's probably unsurprising (if you're a woman) to hear that when the bag arrived in HK and was opened, the tub of oatmeal had exploded. Oatmeal EVERYWHERE. Wife says to husband, "Clearly you - and not I - will be cleaning this up." After some hemming and hawing, husband reluctantly agrees.

A week goes by and the duffel bag sits untouched. Wife decides to collect her belongings from the bag, clean oatmeal off of them and leaves the rest for husband to deal with. Husband still does nothing.

Another week goes by and the helper takes matters into her own hands and vacuums all the oatmeal out of the duffel bag and leaves all the oatmeal-free contents in the bag. Mildly annoyed wife tells very elated hubby that the duffel bag is now oatmeal-free thanks to lovely helper and that now all he needs to do is take his clean crap out of the bag and put it all away. Hubby has the gall to ask if helper would put things away. Wife vetoes this idea immediately.

That was two weeks ago... As you can see, the duffel bag and all of its contents are still sitting in the bedroom waiting to be put away.

Wife is no dummy; she knows that hubby is hoping presence of bag will get to be so much that she'll just put everything away for him. But oh no, wife will not give in. She will let that bag sit there until Christmas if that's what it takes.

Dezigner Brandz

2011-04-03T23:22:00.000-07:00

Everyone says Hong Kong is known for its shopping. I think that's a bit of a misnomer.

On one end of the spectrum, HK has mega malls filled with luxury brands and on the other end are hidden away shops and street vendors who sell cheap knock-offs. The middle -- where in normal cities you find affordable retail chains and trendy boutiques that sell off-label brands - is a barren wasteland.

I know there will be comments (written or just yelled at the computer) by Hong Kongers who vehemently disagree. Yes we have H&M, Zara and Club Monaco and there are a sprinkling of unique boutiques throughout the city, but that's it. You go to Tokyo or New York, London or Paris and you'll find street after street of cool stores and shops -- for New Yorkers, I'm talking things like Scoop and Intermix. Nothing ground-breaking.

I can name 3 H&Ms in the entire city. I can also name 7 Armani stores in the same mall! Giorgio Armani, Emporio Armani, AX Armani Exchange, Dolci Armani (chocolate), Armani Fiori (flowers), Armani fragrance, Armani makeup and finally Armani Casa (homewares). I am not making this up - each of these is their own store in the same mall.

Needless-to-say, it doesn't give a girl in my budget bracket a lot to work with...which is why I find myself doing a lot of shopping online or stocking up when I'm back in NYC. What also happens is that every expat woman here ends up buying the same Zara shirt or H&M dress. We're all little clones of each other running around.

And don't get me started on sizes... You're a size 6 US? Look in the "Large" section or if you're in a boutique, don't expect to find anything in your size.

Having said all that, I do take advantage of the underground shopping outlets here. V and I come back from Shenzhen with a Santa-like bag filled with the latest season of Weeds, severely discounted tennis rackets and are-they-really-knock-off designer handbags. So, I was thrilled to discover the Temple Street Night Market, which is a version of that but in HK. Finally I don't have to buy a $150USD visa to get all my cheap crap. You can also find "designer" underwear at Temple Street:

Take a closer look. They're "Calven Klein"and my personal favorite - "Doicf Gabbana". I love that their sign has "underwear" in quotation marks. Apropos for a pair of Calven Kleins, no?!

Jackpot!

2011-03-23T02:05:00.000-07:00

Well folks, there's been a lot of speculation on this site about swinging. And now, after lots of whispers and online solicitations, I have found a bonafide, witness-confirmed case of it.

Caveat #1 - It's not me. I feel like I need to state this outright because if you're skeptical like me, you'll read this whole post and think I'm talking about myself in the third person. I'm not.

Caveat #2 - I am not going to use any names or distinguishing characteristics that might point to who these people are. Everyone will be Friend A or Husband 1. I'm not here to out anyone and there are DB-ers who read this blog.

Caveat #3 - These are a lot of caveats for what is going to be a very brief story. Sorry about that.

Let's get to the gettin' to, shall we?

Walking with a friend who sees another couple that she knows. She remarks, "I bet they're off to counseling" and then proceeds to give me the only first-hand swinging story I've heard. Apparently a few couples (not sure of the exact number - either 2 or 3) used to get together and swap partners. I can't even begin to imagine how the first step of that process begins, but I'm sure there's alcohol involved. This "party" happens multiple times - and, disturbingly enough, all in the same abode. (I'm praying separate rooms, but who really knows?!)

Everybody's all hunky-dory with the situation until one adulterous couple (Husband 1 and Wife 2) decide they want to split away from the pack and do their own thing on their own time. That's when the word "affair" starts getting thrown around and discord in the group begins. Yet the couple continue their dalliances in bathrooms at public events and other venues. My friend who witnessed it all isn't sure (or better yet, wasn't telling) what broke up the party because she pulled away from the group when all the drama went down.

I can't get the movie Ice Storm out of my head. I also can't help but laugh that it only became an "affair" when the one couple tried to break off from the pack. We need a Real Housewives of Discovery Bay over here.

...and an Angel Got His Wings

2011-03-23T01:47:00.000-07:00

You know how much I love the fashion here... Well, spotted these fabulous pants on a man walking in front of me the other day:

Yep, those are angel wings...that flap in the breeze as he walks. I hate to admit it, but I do actually like these! Not to wear, but to put a smile on your face.

I'm Baaaaaack

2011-03-23T01:42:00.000-07:00

Sorry for the radio silence these last few weeks. I jetted off to Barcelona for a holiday, dammit I mean vacation. That sounds very "tai-tai fabulous" but it's kinda true: My husband chose to run the Barcelona marathon and who am I stop him if it means a European vacation?!

Barca is my favorite city on earth followed closely by Tokyo. However, one thing that truly sucks about Barca is all the smoking. They are in dire need of an anti-smoking campaign. I passed not one, but two!, hugely pregnant women walking down the street puffing on the cigarette. And when I met hubby at the finish line of the marathon, another runner who had just crossed, lit up! Blech!

I'm back now and have a few posts for you...

Here's a picture of Parc Guell, which I highly recommend if you're ever in Barca:

The Hong Kong Mafia

2011-02-09T19:49:00.000-08:00

Just a warning - this isn't a funny or light-hearted post.

I come from New York, where homeless people begging on the street usually fall into one of two (and sometimes both!) categories - mentally ill or addicted to drugs. This isn't always the case, mind you, but 9 times out of 10 it's what you're dealing with. Very rarely do you see one in a wheelchair or missing an appendage.

Now I live in Hong Kong where the only people who beg on the streets are severely disfigured - I'm talking multiple limbs missing, limbs growing out of places where they shouldn't be or a head so burned that the facial features have melted away. It's pretty brutal and I've always stopped to give money because there's no way on earth these people can have normal jobs that sustain their living expenses. Here's a picture I found online, which is taken at a place I have to walk by every time I go into Central (at least once a week):

For all you New Yorkers, this makes the lady who wore the trash bag on the corner of 57th & 6th look like June Cleaver, doesn't it? Along this walkway, I'll usually pass 2-3 of these folks. It just breaks your heart.

A few months back, my American friend told me that these people are "lepers" and that they all live on a leper colony and begging is how they support themselves. So I happily continued to give money when I walked by.

Just this week another friend tells me that these people "work" for the Triad, Hong Kong's mafia. Like most mafia organizations the Triad is into counterfeiting, gambling, extortion and prostitution. Now I come to find out that they also pimp out these poor disabled people and take virtually all the money given to them by people like me!

My friend also said that not only do they use already-disabled people, but they've also been known to hack off a limb or throw acid on someone to turn them into one of these beggars. My friend advised me not giving them money anymore, but then I have to wonder what happens when they don't make their quota?!

My friend (who it's worth mentioning grew up in Hong Kong) also said "you should never fall asleep in a taxi in China" because you could become a Triad victim in some way.

Before everyone starts to panic, the Triad don't mess with tourists and expats - and they especially don't mess with white women. Like most places around the globe, you can do a lot of things to a lot of people, but when you mess with a white woman, the wrath of God (and police and community and media) comes down on you. I don't make the rules, I just observe them.

Anyway, I know I tend to cover more light-hearted topics, but this is part of my everyday life as I pass by these people every week. It's disgusting what people can do to each other just to earn a buck - who raised these disgusting monsters? The question now is do I continue to give them money? I'm really torn...

PS - Oh and contrary to the "Only in HK" tag I've given this post, the Triad are well established in major cities around the world including NYC, Toronto and LA.

I Can See Clearly Now...

2011-02-09T19:06:00.000-08:00

V and I spent Chinese New Year lounging by a pool in the Philippines for a long weekend. (It was fabulous, thanks for asking.) While poolside, spotted one of the funniest things ever - a Korean man wearing his reading glasses/spectacles...while swimming laps...underwater!

At first I thought my eyes were playing tricks on me (excuse the pun). This man is doing the breast stroke and each time he comes up for air I think, "Is he wearing glasses? No, it must be some new cool kind of goggles." As he gets nearer, V goes, "That guy's swimming in his glasses!" I had and still have lots of questions - how did they stay on? did they work underwater? what's his aversion to goggles? - but more than anything I just cracked up! I can understand wearing many things in the pool: Goggles - yes. Sunglasses - maybe. Reading glasses?! Ummm...

And he wasn't alone! We later saw three other people (all Korean) wearing glasses in the pool, all swimming underwater with their reading glasses perched on their noses. Given my recent America Bashing post, I will not lump all Koreans into the "wear glasses while swimming laps" category. But, I will point out that no other nationalities - Chinese, British, Aussie, etc. wore their glasses in the pool.

(Sorry I have no photographic evidence to back up the story. My trusty i-phone was in the hotel room.)

Tai Tai Brownie Points

2011-02-09T00:36:00.000-08:00

I've always had a black thumb. Which is odd because my dad's side of the family can grow pumpkins and roses out of concrete. I'm not sure why, but the green gene definitely skipped a generation.

Since being here I've managed to kill a mandarin orange plant (our first Chinese New Year), a large palm (until my helper Lyn nursed it back to life by watering it every day and shoving used tea bags in the soil?!), and many an orchid. It's always a sad affair because I really like how plants and flowers look and smell.

With some friendly tips from Lyn (like misting orchid blossoms with a spray bottle daily) I've found myself the proud owner of two orchid plants that have sprouted new blossoms in the last few months! These puppies were bald - and I wasn't convinced they'd ever sprout again, but now one plant alone has 18 - EIGHTEEN! - buds that are blooming or about to blossom!

I feel like I just should receive some tai tai merit badge or something.

Speaking of flowers, the coolest looking tree is blooming outside our building. It has two-toned flowers - pink underneath and white on top. I promise I'm not turning into some horticulturist, but you have to admit this is a cool tree.

Hoppy New Year -- Long Live the Rabbit!

2011-01-31T02:24:00.000-08:00

I'm a rabbit and it's the Year of the Rabbit so I'm expecting BIG THINGS in 2011. (Do you hear me, God/gods/powers-that-be??) Since most of you don't celebrate the lunar new year, I thought you'd like to know what's in store for 2011. I "borrowed" this from another site:

The year of the Rabbit is traditionally associated with home and family, artistic pursuits, diplomacy, and keeping the peace. Therefore, 2011 is very likely to be a relatively calmer one than 2010 both on the world scene, as well as on a personal level.

Conversely, nations will also become more insular and increasingly lock down their borders to protect against the "other". However, 2011 will also see new art movements projecting a distinct national identity taking the world by storm. Shrewd and creative new business partnerships will also form to the benefit of all.

Rabbits who thrive on delicate business dealings are best suited to navigating the year ahead. Those compatible with the Rabbit — the Sheep,Dog and Pig in particular — will also find 2011's circumstances inspiring them to greater personal happiness and professional success.

Others will suffer, by degree, depending on how flexible they are to the world mood. Those who have cultivated careful negotiation skills (or, perhaps more importantly, can sniff-out and swiftly dodge dangerous situations!), may attain similar good luck enjoyed by rabbits and those compatible with them in 2011.

Bunny-licious display at Chater House (mall)

Now here's where I have a big issue with Chinese astrology - I know maaaany people born in the Year of the Rabbit and we all don't fall into this category. Regardless, here's what us Rabbits are supposedly all about:

Characteristics of The Rabbit
The three words that best describe the rabbit? Calm and gentle, but persistent.

Quietly charismatic, thoughtful and calm, rabbits are admired for their tactful and considerate dealings with all who know them. As such, they are most often depended upon for their wise counsel, or as someone in which to put valued trust in a personal friendship or a business dealing.

One of the most cautious signs in the Chinese zodiac, they are the chess players who take their sweet time before making a move. Yet, they are also the ones most likely to win any intricate game of strategy!

This most obvious of rabbit personality traits also spills into their romantic dealings, and rabbits will not commit to any one person right away.

Once they are settled down in a domestic relationship, however, no truer or more sweeter spouse is likely to be found.

In dealings with family and friendships, they can always be counted upon for a sympathetic ear or a gentle hand to hold.

Their highly developed natures can also be found in artistic pursuits. They have an impeccable eye for color and line that is evident in their thoughtful fashion sense. The rabbit is usually on anyone's Best Dressed list.

Despite (or because of) their outwardly calm demeanors, rabbits are extremely shrewd In business dealings and may never show their hand until just the right moment. They are also quick to bolt from any perceived danger and intuitively know when to fold - and run!

While I would classify myself as a sharp dresser, I don't think I've ever been called patient. In fact, it's usually my impatience that people comment on. Nor have I ever been called "calm" and "gentle". Must be the other bunnies.

We are celebrating Chinese New Year by jetting off to a beach in the Philippines -- a nation where Catholicism rules. Makes sense, right?!

Kung Hey Fat Choy (Happy New Year in Cantonese) to you all!

Fook Kiu Mansion

2011-01-31T02:04:00.000-08:00

My friend Mahhhk (he's British, so the "r" becomes an "h") recently became a fan of this here blog and donated a fabulous photo he took of a building in Hong Kong. He thought it would fit right in and we couldn't agree more.

Can you imagine giving people directions to your home or office and having to say, "it's the Fook Kiu building"?! Nope, neither can I!

Pizza! Pizza!

2011-01-28T03:04:00.000-08:00

Anybody remember the old Little Ceasar's commercials where the Roman cartoon guy always said, "Pizza Pizza"? Am I dating myself here?!

I've lamented a few times on this blog about the lack of decent pizza in this town. I won't rehash it but suffice it to say, HK has felt like the big pizza desert.

Then today the heavens opened up and the pizza gods bestowed upon us the most gorgeous, delicious gift... a fat New York slice. For all you New Yorkers saying, "BFD" (an acronym, btw, that I first heard from my mother!!), try going a month without a slice. Then try 2 months and then 6 months and then we'll talk.

V and I were so overwhelmed by the piping hot pies in the window that we ordered 6 slices and a calzone, with the intention of bringing half of it home. Nothing better than cold pizza over the weekend, right?! I wish you could've seen the local's faces when the food arrived at our table. They looked at us like we were circus freaks. Not that we cared - you can't trust someone who eats pizza with a knife and a fork. V says you can't trust people who don't fold their slice (he's a real New Yorker!) and I'm not sure how to take that since I don't fold mine.

Here we are enjoying a beyond-scrumptuous ~~New York~~ Hong Kong slice:

Update: Only two weeks after posting this, Paisano's - the place above - announced that they're opening up a place in Discovery Bay in early March!!! I'm overjoyed and scared for my life. Don't be surprised if I've gained 40 lbs the next time you see me!

You've seen Town & Country...

2011-01-28T02:42:00.000-08:00

but have you read "Country and Townhouse" magazine? I thought not.

You can't make this stuff up.

America Bashing

2011-01-26T04:10:00.000-08:00

Usually it's subtle. Sometimes it's unintentional. Other times it's justified (sort of). Living in another country has exposed me to some good old-fashioned America bashing. Let's skip the big prologue and dive right in.

Exhibit #1. My neighbor Natalie's Facebook page (her original posting is the first thing here):

Natalie: Lady to me: Do you know Americans are so dumb, they don't know where the Cook Islands are?   After she left, I googled - Location of Cook Islands...   This is what I call Kantoi...

16 hours ago · Like · Comment

Jeff: haha actually I think I have to go google that now. Never did bother to find out for sure. :p

Natalie: The thing is... This lady is too much la.. If you say.. Americans don't know where Brazil is.. It is dumb but I just checked.. Cook Islands.. isn't exactly you know... Big....

Jeff: Just checked.. I think it's as big as all the islands in East Coast Malaysia... LOL

Me: I love when we are all lumped in together! She sounds pretty bright herself...

Stef: apparently some Americans still don't know where Malaysia is but know about Singapore. I still have to do the whole "peninsula north of Singapore" thingy with them.. *faint

Natalie: Then educate them.. Or be the next Michelle yeoh!!!!

Nika: I can add something as well :) The Americans don't know where the Czech Republic is but they know about Prague.. so where do they think Prague is then.. :D the country isn't called Prague :D The same goes for Vienna :)

On one hand: Natalie's original post and her comments are really funny and not offensive at all. Her friends Stef and Nika, however, are complete idiots. Stereotyping an entire nation of 300 million people based on one or two people is asinine. Secondly, we may not all know where Malaysia is - I couldn't pinpoint it on a globe before I moved to Hong Kong (I knew the general vicinity), but so what?! Most people have no reason to learn where Malaysia is; memorizing where all 196 countries are located seems pretty useless, no? Twenty bucks says Stef and Nika can't find Deleware or Puerto Rico on a map.

On the other hand: When the Mumbai bombings happened and I commented on it, a family member of mine said, "So what? I don't care what goes on in India." This doesn't help our cause, people.

Exhibit #2: A Scottish couple seated at our table at a recent black tie event

These two chose the slickest approach in the book - start off light with things I can laugh about and then really dig the knife in.

Wife: "I've found that New Yorkers live in a bubble. They don't really care or know about what goes on in the rest of the world."

Me: "I can see that and was definitely guilty of it when I lived in New York. In a city like New York, you just feel like you're at the heart of everything, so it's easy to slip into that mindset sometimes. They don't call it the Capital of the World for nothing!"

Husband: "Yeah, Americans are not that bright. When we were in Boston, people kept asking us if we were from Texas. I mean, never in my life have people thought my accent was Texan."

Me (laughing): "Wow, now that is funny. I can't believe that happened. A Texas accent sounds nothing like yours. Have you ever realized, though, how similar Boston and Aussie accents are? They pronounce certain words the exact same way."

Wife: "Americans think everything is theirs and started with them." Then she starts rattling off all these examples of people/things that are English and NOT American. The list was hella long, but the only example I can remember is this: "What about Winnie the Pooh - you think it's American, don't you? Well, it's not, it's British."

Husband: "I mean, our house in Scotland is older than America."

At this point - and because V is strangely never by my side in these situations, I had to excuse myself from the table before I screamed "Get the f*ck over it lady. The Revolutionary War is over. We won it and are the super power of the world. Scotland is not. That's just how the cookie crumbled."

Exhibit #3 - A British man I met at a party

Let me preface this by saying that the only place this man had ever been in the States was Memphis! For this, he deserves the benefit of the doubt. Since there was drinking involved, I don't remember exact exchanges but it basically boiled down to how "Americans can't fit in a normal sized airplane seat."

Having had my fill of him AND the Scottish couple, I couldn't restrain myself. So I said, "Well, that's like saying that all Brits have ugly teeth. I know plenty of British people who have lovely teeth, but you also see quite a few whose teeth are black, missing or too far gone for a visit to the orthodontist." He was completely taken aback and I believe truly had no idea that this was a stereotype of Brits. This guy said A LOT more, but it was a few weeks back and, for the life of me, I can't remember them now.

To be fair these are extreme examples; the overwhelming majority of people I meet in my travels are wonderful and don't harbor ill will to Americans (or if they do, they have the decency not to tell me!) And I do see why certain American stereotypes exist around the world. (Let's be honest, I'm probably pretty good at perpetuating a few of them!) But at the end of the day America is an awesome country - and I'm damn proud to say I'm from there. In that same vein, Americans have to realize 1) other countries are pretty damn awesome, too, 2) being completely ignorant and disinterested in other countries doesn't win you any friends and 3) our days of being on top are numbered.

OK, I'm stepping down from the pulpit.

Swim at Your Own Risk

2011-01-26T00:25:00.000-08:00

We are surrounded by water in Hong Kong - and Discovery Bay, for that matter, and it's gorgeous. You can see water from every window in our apartment and we have a beach that looks straight out of a postcard. Honestly, it's kind of ruined me - it's tough to imagine living someplace that doesn't have a water view.

And then you realize that we share the water with all the barges and ferries and cruise ships that roll into Victoria Harbor - a water highway that makes the Hudson River look like a desolate country road. And that water doesn't seem quite so nice anymore. One day a week, our picturesque beach has more trash than a garbage dump. Of course the powers-that-be quickly send the minions out to clean it up before too many people take notice. (And THANK GOD for them!)

I tell you all of this because, in spite of it, we have friends who swim in the water here and claim it's just peachy-keen. They swear up and down that it's clean and that they haven't caught anything yet. I used to give them the benefit of the doubt (although I never stepped a pinkie toe in that water!)

Then today, I walk outside my front door and see the following:

I have no idea what it is, but it sure gives the term "swim at your own risk" a whole new meaning...

Why?

2011-01-24T18:36:00.000-08:00

The Discovery Bay fairies erected this thing of beauty last week:

What is it, you ask? Well isn't it obvious? It's a backdrop that you take cheesy, prom-style photos in front of. Every town should have one - along with a grocery store, fire house and police station (the latter of which DB is missing). Cheesy prom backdrop? Check. Local police force? Err...

In only a week I've passed by it and seen a few couples (all Asian, of course) doing the face-to-face, holding-hands prom pose. Maybe they're being facetious and find it as ridiculous as I do. Maybe not.

If you're lucky, I can talk V into posing with me for one. Yeah, right...

Update:
I just found another one of these things!!! Nothing says "I love you" like an arch of made out of fake flowers.

If you're feeling fancy, you could always choose this gem:

And the sign next to these beauties cracks me up! Can you imagine getting prosecuted over plastic roses and stapled astro-turf?!