One space makes all the difference

Cracking up over this photo on FB today:

For all the non-Americans, Safeway is a big grocery store chain.

Apparently this blog has turned into a receptacle for stolen FB posts and pictures. 

In case you're curious

This is what a Chinese keyboard looks like:

Sometimes it's the little things.

Nursing

At a dinner party last night with lots of girls - Aussies, Brits, Dutchies, etc. - and heard the funniest story from an Aussie mom.

She was part of an expat baby group in Tokyo. When one mom arrived with her newborn, the group started ooh-ing and aah-ing over the little one. My friend said, "Oh he's so cute; can I nurse him?"

To which all the moms in the group gasped and clutched their children.  My friend was very confused until one of the girls asked, 'What do you mean 'nurse'?"  Turns out in Australia, nursing means cuddling or holding.  Of course these ladies thought she was about to whip out her boob and start feeding all their babies.

Now my friend says she cringes when her own mother says, "Oh I can't wait to nurse my grandson!"

Proud Pussies

Admit it - you thought I was lying when I told you people here call cats pussies.  Or you thought I was exaggerating.  To those of you, I say have a look at a page from the recent issue of "The List":

"Cats do not groom themselves, they lick themselves."  Duly noted, sir.

TMI

Language differences and cultural differences are two, well, different things.  When someone doesn't hold the door for you, it's cultural.  When someone calls you and launches immediately into Cantonese even though you're screaming "No Cantonese.  English only," it's language.  A perfect shining example presented itself to me the other day...

There's a very fun couple in our neighborhood who we really like.  She's Malaysian, but speaks perfect English and is completely hip on what's happening in Western culture.  She could be any of my American friends except when things like this happen:

Me: How are you?
Her: Not feeling good.
Me: Oh no, what's wrong?
Her: I have very bad stomach pains with a lot of gas building up inside me.  (There were hand motions to indicate where the gas build-up was happening.)

This is more my style:

Me: How are you?
Her: Not feeling too hot.
Me: Oh no, what's wrong?
Her: Nothing crazy, just some tummy issues.
OR
Her: Minor stomach ache.

My initial reaction was to be embarrassed by what was being shared.  Then I realized she wasn't embarrassed to tell me, so why should I be embarrassed to hear it?  I feel like this is the message behind that popular children's book "Everybody Poops".

D'Asses

Check out the cookies I spotted in our grocery store:

I don't speak French, but "D'Asses" looks a lot like "de asses" or "of asses".  I really hope that's not the case.

Cheeky and Chuffed

Sounds like the title of a really bad porn, but these are actually terms used in everyday life around here.  If you're ever traveling abroad or are a total Cliff Clavin (a know-it-all who knows just enough about a topic to show off at a dinner party), here's a few more you should know:

Cheeky:
~A way someone acts that is cute and desirable
~An annoying person who plays sneaky tricks on people
~A bit on the mischievous side
Usage: "Did you see the way she winked at my boyfriend?  Cheeky bee-atch."
**Full disclosure, I'm not even sure I used it correctly there.  It's like Italian - I know it when I hear it, but struggle to speak it.

Chuffed:
~ Delighted, pleased, satisfied
Usage: "I was quite chuffed when the scale showed I'd lost 5 lbs."

Happy Days:
OK, get The Fonz out of your head.  It's more like...
Usage: "I will go on this diet because I want to get healthy and if I just so happen to lose weight - happy days!"

Much like "mate" it's very hard to get away with saying these things if you're American.  I've started saying "happy days" but won't go near "cheeky" or "chuffed".  Just can't do it...  To clarify, I would *like* to say them, but it would sound forced coming from me.  It's like hot pants or a string bikini - I'd love to wear them, but just shouldn't.

While we're on the topic, you'll find that Aussies say:

"Good on you" instead of "good for you"

"How are you going?" instead of "How are you doing?"

They also love to shorten things and will say "uni" instead of university and "dero" instead of "derelict" which apparently is a common insult to throw around Down Under.

And that concludes today's anthropological language study...

Fook Kiu Mansion

My friend Mahhhk (he's British, so the "r" becomes an "h") recently became a fan of this here blog and donated a fabulous photo he took of a building in Hong Kong.  He thought it would fit right in and we couldn't agree more.

Can you imagine giving people directions to your home or office and having to say, "it's the Fook Kiu building"?!  Nope, neither can I!

Cultural Divide #269

I've found yet another cultural divide.  And the only upside is that it has nothing to do with penises.

Allow me to set the scene:

Saturday night we're at a private party - a friend rented out a small restaurant (the entire place was smaller than most of your living rooms) and packed it with friends who ate dinner and danced to live music performed by a band.  They gave us an excellent show filled with crowd pleasers like "Sweet Home Alabama" and Katy Perry's "Hot and Cold".  It was a truly awesome atmosphere - like back in your 20's at an apartment party with the music cranked up and people dancing their asses off!

So far, so good - right?

Well, V and I were two of only 3 Americans in the bunch.  The rest were 99% Brits with the occasional Aussie and European mixed in.  (As you may have guessed from my karaoke post, music is the great spotlight under which cultural differences are magnified.  The karaoke crowd went wild over Spice Girls songs I'd never heard of in my life.  Meanwhile, the list of 3,000 songs included only two from Prince!)

When the band started playing "Mony, Mony" I assumed  the dirty lyrics that I've sang since middle school were universal.  Everyone's whipped up in a frenzy, dancing around like maniacs and when the time comes, I scream at the top of my lungs, "Hey, hey what - get laid, get f*cked."  Since we're all basically in a living room, everyone kind of stares at me while still dancing.  My friends in the band - also British and who witness me shouting something, invite me up to say them in the mic.

I should have read that first reaction from the crowd and demurred, but instead - feeling the high of "Mony, Mony" I run up and re-scream the dirty refrain into the microphone.  Now, instead of mildly confused looks, I have an entire crowd of people who've essentially stopped dancing and cocked their heads trying to understand what I'm saying (much like our pug does when we talk to him).  Can you say BUZZ KILL??

The gracious (British) host of the event ran over and tried to jump in and sing the lyrics with me (bless her heart!), but instead she sang "Hey, hey what - get married, get f*cked."  :)

Where were my fellow American compatriots, you ask.  V was mysteriously in the bathroom and the other American in the group never left her seat in the back of the room.  She sure as heck wasn't going to share my humiliation!

Say What??

This is not necessarily exclusive to Hong Kong, or Asia for that matter, but it is something comical and therefore "blog appropriate": nonsensical, bizarrely worded t-shirts.

You see them all over the world, but there seems to be a disproportionately large number here in HK.  I'm not sure why exactly, but think it goes back to my "Americans with Chinese symbol tattoos" analogy.  People think what they're wearing says one thing, when in fact it says something else entirely or nothing at all.

Case in point, here's one I saw on the bus today:

If you can't read the bottom line, it says "Grow up Mind"... Now it's all clear, right?!

So, you have an adjective followed by a noun, followed by a command, followed by who the hell knows?!  I even tried piecing the red letters together, thinking therein lies the logic.  Nope.  Also tried to the black letters.  Strike two.

I guess it's better than one I saw in NYC before we moved here, though.  It read, "I wouldn't f*ck you for practice."  Classy, huh?

Update:
Yesterday, I passed the following 2 tshirts in the same walk!  Didn't have a camera, but the wording should suffice:

"Cheer You Up" (accompanied by large smiley face with two X's for eyes.

"It's the Exotic Summertime" (I think the "the" really makes it.)

The Great Cultural Debate

What happens when six women (2 Americans, 3 Brits and 1 Irish lass) get together over a boozy birthday dinner?  Well, besides getting tipsy, we got into a major debate that pitted Americans vs. non-Americans a la the Revolutionary War.  We weren't arguing over politics or whether ketchup works better with fries (excuse me, chips) than mayonnaise.  No, the great debate was over circumcision.  Yes, of the penile variety.

It started because I admitted that my friend's newborn son's penis was the first uncircumcised one I'd ever seen.  (TMI?!)  After incredulous reactions by the Irish/Brits, some of them admitted that they'd never seen a circumcised one before.  Who knew the Atlantic was the Great Penis Divide?

It got a little heated when they asked why we Americans circumcised anyway and my fellow American explained that it was a matter of hygiene.   Friendly tip: Implying that someone's husband and sons have dirty penises is not a good idea.  I also ruffled some feathers when I said that an uncircumcised teenage boy would have a very tough time in a U.S. high school.  Can you imagine how fast THAT news would spread?!

When all the shouting was over, I did leave wondering why circumcision became the norm in the States while the rest of the world (save for Israel) leave their newborn penises alone.  

Poser Alert

Things I have started to say:

"air con" (in lieu of A/C)
"holiday" (instead of vacation)

Things I've been thisclose to saying:

"bloody" (as in "really" or "very")

With only 4 days before I'm back in NYC, I feel the need to put this out there...because chances are I'm going to let one of these slip and you're going to give me hell for it.

Hikah the Helper

Apparently I have a mental block when it comes to Aussie accents.  Last night, I was hanging out with an Aussie friend who was telling me a story.  It went a little something like this:

Friend: "So I was waiting there for Hikah to pick me up..."

Me: "Is Hikah your helper?"

Friend (very confused): "Um no, I said, 'hired car'."

It goes both ways though because as I was telling a story about a friend named Craig, she stopped me and asked, "How do you spell his name?"  I spelled it and she said, "oh, we say it 'cray-g', not 'kregg.'"

Aubergine, eggplant folks...

Girl Nuts

My Naughty Pussy friend (she's gonna kill me for calling her that!) has shared a few more gems from the playground.

First, apparently kids here have bastardized a very harmless saying and now run around calling each other "scardey pussy".

Even better than that, she came home to find her 10 year old son and 2 of his friends on the computer.  When she looked closer she saw the term "girl nuts" entered into the Google search engine and asked what they were looking for.  Turns out they wanted to see what girly bits looked like and assumed that since they have "nuts", they'd be able to see what girls have by Googling "girl nuts".

I'm scared to know what Google Images would come back with on that one!

Update: My Dutch friend just read this posting and shared her own funny story.  Her friend's daughter was doing a school report on cats and Googled "pussy with no hair".  Yes, the poor girl had quite a scare when the Google image results came back.

I say "eggplant"; you say "aubergine"

There is nothing more humbling than not being able to communicate with people who speak English.

Case in point, the following exchange with an Aussie salesguy at our local sporting goods store:

Me: "I'm looking for some tennis shoes."
The guy points me to a rack of white Reebok shoes.
Unimpressed I say, "I don't really like these."
Salesguy: "Well, those are the only tennis shoes we have."
Confused, looking at the rest of the racks filled with colorful Asics and New Balances I say, "What about those?"
Salesguy: "Those are trainers."

Tennis shoes = sneakers = trainers

Damn the Brits and their God forsaken language!

I know I complain a lot about TV here -- the old programs (Charlie's Angels and Mad About You!), delayed seasons (just finished up Season 4 of Top Chef where Stephanie won it all), lack of product commercials, etc. But this one really REALLY gets me.

Since Hong Kong was ruled by the Brits for many years, their culture here is as vibrant as the Chinese. While in many ways this is a comfort, the one thing I absolutely cannot take anymore is their so-proper-that-what-they're-saying-doesn't-even-really-make-sense language in commercials. Since they play the same commercials every break for an eternity (there are program commercials still playing that were on TV when I moved here a year ago!), it got to the point where Vin and I could recite them and realized they made absolutely no sense.

Here's the direct and complete voice-over from one commercial:

Be empowered by John Dykes and his guests.
With the vision to achieve the profound examination of the world of football.
Football Focus every Wednesday at 10pm.

HUH???? "the vision to achieve the profound examination"??? what in the hell does that mean?

Here's another one and I bet you a million dollars you won't have any idea what the show is about:

All across Asia one common essence exists.
Where the diversing cultures converge.
Sharing the same beliefs.
Speaking the common language.
As we get behind the supporting and supported.

Please tell me what you think this show is about based on that commercial (of which I've left not a single word out.) Is it a makeover show? A cooking show? A news program? Nope, it's a soccer show called Football Asia.

Dear God, help me because I am going to lose my mind.

Huh?

Let me start out by saying that I recognize the hypocrisy of someone who speaks only one language bagging on someone else's second or third or fourth language. And this post isn't about making fun of the English I've heard, but rather showing how when our language is taken literally it can be quite funny.

Case #1

I'm sitting in my doctor's office - -the same doctor I see pretty much weekly -- and on this day have decided to put an effort into my appearance. Now, I'm not saying my hair's blown out or I'm wearing a cocktail dress, but I've chosen to leave the jeans behind and am actually wearing mascara and lipgloss! In fact, I'm wearing one of my signature summer dresses, some nice high wedges and sure there may be a hint of cleavage, but I promise you nothing salacious. The nurse opens the door to let me into the doctor's office and, in front of the entire waiting room, says, "Ooooh, very sexy" and makes a hand gesture about my body. Suddenly I found myself wanting to throw on a sweatshirt and scrub off my blush. The last thing you want people to think is that you're getting sexed up for your doctor's appointment. No scratch that, the last thing you want is for your doctor to think you dress like a whore. So I scurried into his office and tried to not make eye contact with anyone in the waiting room when I came back out. This same thing happened again the next time I dressed up well over a month later (this time I was having lunch with a friend). She opens the door to the waiting room and says, "Ooooh, sexy today." OK, I decided, this lady is nuts.

Then yesterday I was off to an orientation for some volunteering work (the pinacle activity of any self-respecting housewife!) and decided to dress up. Again, very demure dress with NO cleavage and a hemline that reached my knee, but with heels and makeup. A woman with a dog (who I guess I've spoken to when I've been walking Victor) walks by and says, "Where are you going? You look so sexy." It dawned on me that Chinese women with excellent English vocabularies use the term "sexy" in place of "nice". They don't mean you look like you want sex; they just mean, 'hey you chose to dress up today."

If you're not surprised by this story, just take a moment to envision your nurse or a neighbor or a grocery clerk telling you you look "sexy". Um yeah.

Case #2

Our vet set us up with a very nice Italian woman named Fiorenza who had recently gotten a pug puppy named Pepe. She was going back to Italy for the summer and needed someone to watch Pepe while she was gone. Everyone in HK leaves for the summer, so while it doesn't make her Pet Owner of the Year to leave her new puppy behind for 3 months, it's also not all that unusual here. One day over lunch Vin asks Fiorenza how Pepe was doing after having been neutered the previous week. She replied, "He still gets sexually aroused; in fact just yesterday he had an erection." Vin nearly spit out his lunch.

This is Pepe (sans erection) with Victor in the background.

The Language Barrier

Hong Kong is a very easy city for a westerner to get around in because nearly everything is in English. What may seem like a blessing can also be a curse. Case in point, I got the following coupons in the mail from our local grocery store.



Did you happen to notice the second row of coupons offering freshly slaughtered pork and beef? Now I know I'm a wuss when it comes to meat, but does anyone really want to know that their meat was "freshly slaughtered"? Just what I want to hear -- that an animal was alive and kicking a few hours ago and now it's dead, cut up into tidy pieces and saran-wrapped for my consumption.

Someone please teach these people the word "fresh".

Tits Up

Meaning: inoperative, broken

Origin: This is a 20th century phrase, probably of military origin. There's certainly no mention of it in print prior to WWII. It has been suggested that the term derives from the behaviour of aeroplanes' altitude indicators, which turn upside down when faulty and display an inverted 'W' resembling a pair of breasts. There's no real evidence to support this speculation and it seems more likely that the phrase is just a vulgar alternative to the earlier 'belly-up', which has the same meaning.

Usage: Our British friend Liz is particularly adept at inserting it into normal conversations like, "We tried to renovate our kitchen and the whole thing just went tits up" or "That party we went to? Tits up."

Or... I'm sure my first attempt at using this phrase will be totally tits up.

"May I stroke him?"

...so asked the upper-crust British female accent in the elevator the other day. At first I thought Victor was getting recruited into puppy pornography, then I realized it was just fancy Brit speak for "Can I pet your dog?" Now Vin's asked that I start using a similar vernacular...


PS-- You gotta love the chicklets!