Monday, August 29, 2011

More T-shirt Chinglish

Spotted another beauty while walking in Central and - bonus points - this one includes Michigan!  Let's hope it's a slam on their football program.

And drum roll please, the tshirt says:

Motive Under Ground Janus
Rouces Run Bright

Monday, August 22, 2011


At a dinner party last night with lots of girls - Aussies, Brits, Dutchies, etc. - and heard the funniest story from an Aussie mom.

She was part of an expat baby group in Tokyo. When one mom arrived with her newborn, the group started ooh-ing and aah-ing over the little one. My friend said, "Oh he's so cute; can I nurse him?"

To which all the moms in the group gasped and clutched their children.  My friend was very confused until one of the girls asked, 'What do you mean 'nurse'?"  Turns out in Australia, nursing means cuddling or holding.  Of course these ladies thought she was about to whip out her boob and start feeding all their babies.

Now my friend says she cringes when her own mother says, "Oh I can't wait to nurse my grandson!"

Imparting my Expat Wisdom

For any Americans out there getting ready to embark on the expat adventure, I have one piece of advice for you:

Get a Slingbox and hook it up to your parents', sister's, brother's, neighbor's, friend's cable box.

Oh you thought I might say, learn the language or study the culture or join as many community groups as possible.  Nope, get yourself some decent television because chances are the TV where you're going sucks.

Community Caring Counter

There are 4 counters at our local HSBC branch -

Premier - people who pay a little extra each month so they can jump the line

Normal (unmarked, btw)- everyday people who have to wait in line (like moi)

Corporate - where cashiers from the local Subway and 7-11 deposit their daily earnings

And then there's the Community Caring Counter -

I have NO IDEA what it means or who's supposed to stand in this line.  People in the community who care?  People in the community who HSBC cares about?  Care Bears??

Expat Hedonism

All my swinging posts have come from a very lighthearted, "can you believe this stuff *really* goes on?" place.  With each new story that comes to light, however, I'm starting to feel like I live in the expat offshoot of Hedonism.

I know a 25-year old woman - a gorgeous, down-to-earth, has a good job and head on her shoulders, 25 year-old woman.  She has a serious live-in boyfriend; they've been together for a looong time.  One day she finds out that her boyfriend is cheating on her...with a friend of theirs...a 41-year old...mother of three...who's married....and also lives in their building. The two couples have been friends for quite some time.  Now, the wife has left her husband and is parading around town with my friend's ex-bf.

WTF?!? Have I left the universe of normalcy?  When did 25-year olds leave their hot girlfriends for married mothers in their 40s?  When did couples who are friends swap partners?  What sounds like the plot of a bad porno is going down in my town every night.  When did this all become ok??

The thing is - I have a lot of friends.  And when I look back at my other groups of friends (high school, college, NYC, etc.) I can't find one who is involved in swinging.  It's not all peachy-keen, trust me. Some have gotten divorced, others have hit rough patches and been in therapy, but none have been involved in rampant cheating....with friends or neighbors.  Not a ONE.  And of all the crazy, booze-filled parties I've been to, not one has ended with Husband #1 leaving with Wife #2.  Not a ONE.

So what is in the water here in Discovery Bay?  Why do so many people cheat, swing and/or hang out at the bars begging for someone other than their spouse to fluff their muffin?

Until I find out, we'll be sticking to bottled water in this household.

Sunday, August 7, 2011

And I Thought Fingernail Clipping Was Bad...

Experienced a new low on the ferry over the weekend.  Was sitting in my seat minding my own business when I hear someone behind me fart.  Turn around to find a Chinese woman wafting her crotch area with a my direction.  I guess she thought it was a good idea to fan her fart. 

And her husband sat right next to her the entire time.  That's love and devotion - or a seriously sick fetish.

You can't make this stuff up.

PS - Why is this blog suddenly dominated by flatulence stories??!

T-Shirt Chinglish

Happened to have my phone handy so was able to capture this classic example of t-shirt Chinglish:

For those visually-impaired, it reads:

I can not to for a call for you even if I call me many times

Saturday, August 6, 2011

China Owns America...And is Trying to Sell it Off

Husband was reading the paper (South China Morning Post) today and spotted this advertisement on the front page:

This is REAL. Our newspaper is inviting Hong Kongers to purchase foreclosed New York houses.  To make matters worse, they are selling them in bulk - "you choose any five" and presenting it like a Las Vegas buffet - "your choice, any combination".

If it wasn't painfully obvious that the States are in dire straits, it is now.  Every American who reads this should send it to their Congressman, thank them for doing such a bang-up job on the most important economic decision of our time and ask them to step down and never run for office again.

On the flip side, if any of you are looking to buy a house, let us know and we'll set up a meeting with these folks.  ;)

Friday, August 5, 2011

Important Notice

Spotted this sign in the changing room at our country club:

Which begs the question - what else are people using the hair dryer for???

Monday, August 1, 2011

Wife Swap

Awhile back I talked about a band of swingers -- and how one couple tried to break off from the pack and do their own thing, which ruffled everybody's feathers. 

Yeah, that couple has since legally separated from their spouses and are trying to give the whole swinging relationship thing a chance.  Not to get all Carrie Bradshaw on you, but it made me think:

Can you go from swinging to a real relationship?

And also:
Do you ever really trust this person?
How do you explain how you met: to your kids, your parents, people you just meet?
Do you continue to swing as a new couple?
Do you keep the same friends?
Are people scared to invite you to dinner parties?
What happened to the spouses that got left behind?  Do they still swing?

Then I thought of two stories where cheating/swinging actually worked:

The first is about a friend of a friend -- let's call her Z.  When Z was in her 20s she often hooked up with a guy who was engaged.  They'd have sex-filled lunch breaks (on the bed of the engaged couple!) and carried on for quite awhile.  Of course all her friends thought she was crazy...until the guy dumped his fiancee, married Z and they had two children together.  While this seems to have a happy ending, I'd bet my life that Z has spyware on her hubby's computer...

The second is a true story about two Yankees players who swapped wives and lives...for good!  Here's what I lifted from Wiki:
He may be best remembered today for swapping families with fellow Yankee pitcher Mike Kekich, an arrangement the pair announced at spring training in March 1973. Peterson and Kekich had been inseparable friends since 1969; both families lived in New Jersey, their children were about the same age, and often they all would visit the Bronx Zoo or the shore or enjoy a picnic together. They decided that they would one day trade wives, children, and even dogs.

The affair began in 1972, when the two couples joked on a double date about wife swapping, a phenomenon that caught on in some uninhibited circles during the early 1970s. According to one report, the first swap took place that summer, after a party at the home of New York sportswriter Maury Allen. The couples made the change official in October; Kekich moving in with Marilyn Peterson and Peterson with Susanne Kekich, but no word leaked out until spring of 1973. A light moment came when New York Yankees General Manager Lee MacPhail remarked, "We may have to call off Family Day." The trade worked out better for Peterson than it did for Kekich, as Peterson is still married to the former Susanne Kekich, with whom he has had four children. Kekich and Marilyn Peterson did not last long.[1]

My conclusion?  If invited to swing, politely decline. No matter how harmless and fun it seems in the beginning, someone always gets burned in the end.

A Tai Tai Hater

I don't want to bag on my fellow tai-tais, but sometimes they drive me nuts.

Case in point:

When walking around our grocery store you inevitably see a tai tai shopping with her helper.  She looks like a little tyrant walking around and pointing at various items while the helper runs behind her grabbing and then throwing them in the cart.  When it's time to check out, the helper does all the work, while Miss I Don't Want to Break a Nail stands there and watches.

Isn't the point of having a helper to make your life more easier?  If so, then why on earth are you both doing the shopping??  Shouldn't one of you be looking after the kids or ironing or something?  Divide and conquer, people.