Wednesday, April 7, 2010

Small Town Pee

What do you get when you cross a small town and a big language barrier?  A funny story about pee.

Since DB is a small community, you tend to see the same people all the time.  I've seen some people 3 and 4 different times throughout one day.

My friend, who happens to be married to Discovery Bay's vet, is walking her two Chihuahuas when a Chinese woman from the neighborhood walks up to her and hands her a paper cup.  My friend has no idea what's happening, but assumes that maybe one of her dogs went #2 and the woman cleaned it up and/or is trying to tell her in broken English that she needs to clean it up.

Upon further inspection, she realizes the cup is actually full of urine.  So now she's really confused.  Does the woman think that even dog urine needs to be cleaned up and thrown away?  And if so, how in the heck did she capture her Chihuahua's urine in the first place?

Finally the Chinese woman points down to her own dog and then to the cup and says, "No go clinic."

It dawns on my friend -- who is a school teacher, btw -- that this woman is asking her to take her dog's urine sample to the veterinary clinic for her.  Ya know, because she's the vet's wife so clearly she must be ready to accept urine samples at a moment's notice and in all situations.

Instead of attempting to explain that she doesn't work for the vet (she just lives with him), she takes the pee and then throws it away when the woman isn't looking.  Later, she calls her husband to tell him what happened and he says, "That's where the sample went?!  We were waiting for it all day."

Only in DB, folks.

Desperate Housewife Dreams

I hate admitting this out loud, but I think I've even started to dream like a housewife.

Over the weekend, I had two very real dreams:

The first was that I was married to both Vin and George Clooney.  (Not bad, huh?!)  Instead of dreaming about xxx-ing and ooo-ing Georgie-Poo, my dream centered around the fact that I had to make dinner for both of them and didn't have a lot in the fridge.  So here I am in all my housewife glory, trying to piece together half a chicken cutlet and some left-over salad for George and Vin.  Oh and then George says, "I have to lose 20 lbs for my next role, so I can only have protein."  And then I woke up in a sheer panic.

Do you think it has something to do with the beards?!

The next night I woke up in sheer terror...because I had a dream that I was violently and vividly stabbing Kate Gosselin.  Now part of me does think that Kate is the devil reincarnate and if I had to share a roof with her for longer than 24 hours we may come to blows.  And don't get me started on the fake tanning, fake nails and bizarre haircut.  But the level of aggression I had towards this fellow housewife was shocking...

I have a feeling my next dreams will involve a hot iron.

Satan's Fruit

I'm of the belief that all fruit is generally good.  I don't love all fruits, but they all go down the hatch with relative ease, unlike, say, some meats and cheeses.  And most are pleasing to the eye -- apples are shiny and red, oranges perfectly round.  Heck, even kiwis manage to be cute in a hairy, little chia pet kind of way.  It's no coincidence that the birth of all humanity took place in the Garden of Eden, where I have to assume fruit was plentiful.

And then there's durian -- which can only be a product of pure evil.

(American) Friends, if you ever see this fruit, run -- don't walk! -- in the opposite direction.  Don't worry, it will be obvious which fruit is durian:

It resembles a torture device from the Middle Ages. It's the large (the size of a human head) green thing with enormous spikes jutting out from all angles. Oh and there's usually a handle (because otherwise how could you hold it to defend yourself?) I still have NO IDEA how one goes about opening up the damn thing. Not that I really care...

Let's face it, you won't even get close enough to durian to see it because the smell will knock you over from 100 yards away. The first time they carried it our grocery store, I walked into the store and immediately thought to myself, "Ugh, they must've forgotten to take the garbage out last night." I literally held my nose the entire trip until I was back outside. And I'm talking in the dairy aisle, cleaning supplies aisle, check-out -- ALL of them reeked of durian.

Lest you think I'm exaggerating, I have 3 stories to back me up:

  1. Hotels throughout Southeast Asia strictly prohibit guests from bringing durian into the hotel.  Smoking is more accepted than durian.
  2. On the recent Real World-Road Rules Challenge in Thailand (yes, I'm 34 and still watch it), contestants had to eat all kinds of gross things during the final challenge -- bugs, animal intestines, you name it.  What made them puke?  You guessed it.
  3. Durian is also the only food that has caused Bizarre Food's Andrew Zimmern to gag on camera.  And the man has eaten rotten shark meat, unpasteurized milk straight out of the udder and lamb brains.  All those went down no problem.  Not durian.

So that's it. You read this blog to be entertained but today you've also learned an important life lesson.  If someone offers you durian, they are NOT your friend.