Math in Reverse

Let me start by confessing that math has never been my strong suit.  Apparently reacclimating to the US dollar is another thing I'm not so good at.

As an expat living in a foreign land, you learn to take the price of something and convert it into your home currency.  $1 USD = ~$8 HKD, so my brain got to the point where it would automatically divide everything by 8 to see what the actual value was.  Otherwise I'd be looking at an $8 bottle of Diet Coke or an $88 t-shirt from H&M and thinking "Jesus, that's expensive."  Now, if I was living in Sydney, that *would* be the actual value!

Anyway, the problem I'm facing now is that my brain is still doing it...and I'm back in America where things are listed in USD.  So, I got a check recently for $6,000 and immediately devalued it to around $1,500.  I was in J Crew looking at a $120 sweater thinking, "$12?! It must be on sale."  

Not sure when my brain will finally accept that it's back in the land of the US Dollar.

Step one will be to stop referring to things in US dollars.  I was telling a story to some friends over the weekend and I said something along the lines of "...and it cost 40 US dollars."  My friend Al says, "You know you don't have to specify the currency; we all assume you mean US dollar."

Who knew that one thing I'd not be able to let go of was the freakin Hong Kong Dollar?!

Economics for Dummies

Since I am in NYC and have no good stories to share, I'm left to yank stories from my HK friends' Facebook pages.  Hello desperation!  That being said, I think you'll like this (and the one to follow).

This is my friend Anthea's recent experience at Mannings, the popular pharmacy chain in HK:

At Mannings buying bandages for my class (she leads a first aid class).  I notice they have none in stock and ask the sales assistant, "Are you out of bandages?"

She says, "No, we aren't stocking them anymore."

Anthea: "Really?! Why is that?"

Sales lady: "We were selling too many of them."

Anthea: "Pardon? What? Oh never mind..."

God this brings me back to being in HK!

Advice to Newcomers

Casting my natural sarcasm aside, I've decided to share some earnest advice with newcomers.  (I know - what's the world coming to?!)  Putting my serious pants on for a sec, I did struggle for the first year I lived here - and knowing the things below was one small part of that.  Leaving friends and family behind, knowing not a soul in HK - that made up the rest of it.

So as my good deed for the year, here are all the things I wish someone would've told me the day I moved to Hong Kong:

Groceries:
As an American you MUST make your way to Gateway - a ghetto version of Costco.  It's in the basement of an unremarkable building at 188 Des Voeux Road, but don't let that (or the shabby decor or bad lighting) scare you off.  They carry all the brands you're used to and for discounted prices.  Jif peanut butter, Triscuits, Diet Mountain Dew, etc. They are particularly good for bath & body items (Pantene shampoo and REAL Q-tips) and cleaning products.  TIP: You order everything and then it's delivered to your flat a week later (depending on where you live in HK.)

If you can't find something there - or you want fresh or upscale food items, head to one of the Western grocery store chains:

• 360 (Landmark Building and Elements)
• City Super (IFC)
• Olivers (Prince's Building)

Expect to pay a lot more though!

Get Plugged In
Grab a copy of The List (a free magazine you can find around town) every month.  Sign up for dedicated emails from Sassy Hong Kong http://sassyhongkong.com/ and DimSumAndThenSome http://www.dimsumandthensome.com.hk/. Join the American Women's Association or YMCA.  They have great programs for American newbies.  I've heard that the other Chambers of Commerce (e.g. British Chamber of Commerce) host similar events and group get-togethers.

Furniture:
If you need real furniture (sofas, dining room tables, etc.) there's only one place to go - Horizons in Ap Lei Chau.  You see, unlike other large cities, Hong Kong decided to house all of its furniture places in one building on the outskirts of town.  Don't get me started!  Horizons is an 18-story building with various furniture stores on each floor.  TIP: Take the elevator to the top and walk down via the stairs.  Otherwise you'll spend 3/4 of your time waiting for the elevator.  Not fun.

All the stores in Horizons have smaller (*much* smaller) counterparts in Central.  These shops are the size of your bedroom, so the merchandise is limited to like 4 items.  IMHO, it's not worth the time.  There are also a few Ikeas in HK, if you don't want to spend a lot of money.

If you're looking for something small and beautiful or a gift, I'd recommend the following stores: Homeless (on Gough Street), G.O.D. (skip the Central one; opt for Causeway Bay store instead), Shanghai Tang (found in most malls) and Bals Tokyo (Elements Mall).

Clothes:
I'm sad to say the shopping in HK is subpar - am sure I'll get lots of negative comments for that one.  Unless you're uber-rich and can shop at Chanel, Louis Vuitton and their ilk, you're limited to the following: H&M, Zara, Mango, Club Monaco, Massimo Dutti, French Connection, etc.  Granted, there are a few original boutiques, but they aren't easy to find and merchandise is limited because the stores are the size of a postage stamp.  They just opened up a Gap, are close to opening an Abercrombie & Fitch and rumor has it J Crew is coming to HK.  They also have Marks & Spencer, if you're a Brit.

Also, sizes are bizarre.  At the Puma store, they actually print "Asian size" in the tags so that you realize a medium here is an "Asian medium" (e.g. not a fat-ass gweilo medium).  What I like to do is 1) order clothes online from stores in the States and have them shipped here via OneNow http://www.comgateway.com/CGW/com.comgateway.cgw.Home.do?pw6gcgtyxsd=Ujg06gXwWjEjNxNORWEdr5OfFt0%3D or 2) have clothes I already own copied in Shenzhen (see next blog post).

Malls:
As a New Yorker this was a huge turn-off to me.  I'm still not used to it.  The entire HK population lives for malls.  The good ones are Pacific Place and IFC in Central, Elements and Harbour City in Kowloon. Harbour City is a maze, so leave bread crumbs.

Getting Around Central:
If you're like me and hate the thought of walking amidst 1,000 people with no manners, opt for the elevated walkways.  You can use them to get pretty much anywhere in Central.  You'll have to walk though a maze of buildings, but it's definitely the more civilized way to go.  When going to a doctor's office, I'll start at IFC, then walk through Chater House, Alexandra House and Landmark before arriving at the Central Building.  It takes a few attempts and you'll def get lost the first three times you try, but is so much nicer in the air con than sweating and avoiding spit in the street below.

Doctors:
90% of all HK doctors are located in 2 buildings - Princes Building and Central Building.  There are some others scattered nearby, but for some (very convenient) reason, all doctors are located within a 4-block radius from each other.

So that's about it.  Sure, there's more like- take a taxi because they're cheap and be prepared for people to not hold doors for you.  But really those are big things that will help you get settled.  Enjoy!

Advice for Newcomers: Shenzhen Special

You are koo-koo bananas if you live in Hong Kong and never make it to Shenzhen.

What is Shenzhen?  A city in southern China where all the global factories are located and where enterprising locals make money by selling knock-off everything!  Go to Shenzhen for bootleg DVDs, knock-off designer handbags and clothing made. You also get some cheap-as-chips spa treatments. Here's my ideal Shenzhen trip:

1. If you're a country like the States who China doesn't like, you'll need a Chinese visa.  If you're Dutch, no visa required.
2. Book a Saturday night at the Grand Hyatt Hotel.
3. If you want to know where you're going, buy a little red book at Dymocks that's basically the Cliff's Notes for Shenzhen.  The title is escaping me...
4. Grab the train from HK in the morning on Saturday.  Bring a an overnight change of clothes, plenty of renminbi (Shenzhen is CASH ONLY), any clothing you're having copied, a list of all the TV series and current movies you've been wanting to see and a trolley or large backpack (to haul everything back home).  Wear comfortable clothes and shoes and bring an oxygen tank.  I kid, but do give your lungs a pep talk on how miserable they will be for the next 24 hours.
5. Get off the train and head straight to Lo Wu.  (You can't miss it!)  Go directly to your tailor on the 5th floor as this will take the most time.  Have all your clothes made - show them the piece you've brought, get measured, etc.  They'll take you to the fabric section to choose your fabrics.  They'll ship everything to you 5 days later. 
6. Next head to Betty and ask for the good DVDs.  She will direct you to another stall where you'll sit in front of a laptop operated by a Chinese guy.  He will flip through movie and TV series posters; you say "yes" for the ones you want.  He then crawls up into the ceiling (I kid you not) and comes back with everything you ordered.
7. It's a no-brainer, but I feel compelled to come right out and say it - Skip the dental implants and cosmetic surgery places.  
8. Head to Ling Ling for purses.  Tell her you want to see the good stuff in the warehouse and follow one of the shopkeepers as she takes you outside of Lo Wu, across a busy street and up into a semi-frightening building.  She'll open the doors to a flat filled with designer handbags and wallets.  PURE HEAVEN.
9. Grab your purses, head back to the Grand Hyatt, shower away all the Lo Wu grime and get a bite to eat.  Fall into bed after all your hard work!
10. Get up the next morning, grab breakfast and head to Queen Spa.  It's a 5-story building that's dedicated just to spa treatments.  It's part cruise ship/part Vegas, but so worth it.  Don't freak out when you and your spouse get separated.  They do this so that you can get undressed and showered in the women's changing room.  You'll meet again on the 3rd floor.  I recommend getting a 75-minute full-body massage in a private room.  Then meet up with your spouse in a common room where you'll settle into an enormous Lazy Boy-like chair, equipped with a mini TV.  Spend the next 5 hours, watching TV, ordering food and getting various spa treatments - head massage, pedi, hand massage, etc.  
11. Get dressed, say a teary goodbye to Queen Spa and head back to the tailor at Lo Wu for a second fitting.  If you're getting suits made from scratch, INSIST on a second fitting. 
12. After your fitting, grab the train back to HK.

A week later, your beautiful new clothes will arrive looking like this:

Don't be alarmed!  It's not a dead body.  Grab some scissors and carefully open the "package".  Consider wearing a face mask because all of the lovely lung-destroying cigarette smoke from Lo Wu will come rushing out.  Pull out your clothes and hang each item in front of a window to air out (you can also dry-clean, but that ruins clothes quickly) and iron when the smell is gone.  Voila!  You have an entire new wardrobe!

You MUST MUST MUST go to Shenzhen at least once in your life.  And this is coming from someone who hates crowds, dirt, smoke and general chaos.  

Noodle Heaven

If there's one thing I'll miss about HK, it's this:

A piping hot bowl of vermicelli noodles with fat shrimp wontons - all nesting in a hot broth.  Add a splash of chili oil and loads of tangy vinegar... sorry, I think I was just possessed by the spirit of Nigella Lawson.

Have I mentioned that this satisfying meal costs less than $3?!  

On

I thought Milky and Chewbacca were funny names. Then I was served at our local Starbucks by a guy whose name tag read:

On

Just On. His name is On.

He wouldn't let me take a picture of it. I guess I would be emabarrassed if my name was On too.

I wonder if his sister is named Off?

Lists, Lists and More Lists

As I start to contemplate life after Hong Kong, I feel compelled to wrap things up in a nice, neat package.  For someone like me (a Type-A Virgo who believes she can control everything including weather on her wedding day) that means a list or, in this case, a few lists.

Here's what I will miss and not miss about this place...

What I will miss about Hong Kong

• Hot pot
• Hot pot
• Did I mention hot pot?

• T-shirt weather in December
• 2-hour plane ride to Thailand, 1-hour plane ride to Vietnam, 4 hours to Singapore, 4.5 to Tokyo, etc.
• Clean streets
• Cheap taxis
• Reliable, timely, clean subway system
• Star Ferry at night 
• $4 bowl of shrimp wonton soup on Wellington
• Weekly tai tai lunches with Laura

What I will NOT miss about Hong Kong

• Rice Kings
• Playing chicken with the locals who try to walk through me (actually, I might miss that!)
• Annoying telemarketing calls in Cantonese
• Sweating through all my clothes
• Pollution 
• The sights, sounds, smells and disgusting stuff on the ground at the wet market 

• America bashing
• Feeling like a giant around 90% of the population
• The lack of black people, Hispanic people, good bagels and Mexican food
• The panicked frenetic beeping sound from the crosswalk lights 
• Malls - if I ever step foot in one again, shoot me

What I will miss about Discovery Bay

• Poolside at Siena Club 2pm on a Sunday 

• XL iced teas at ZAKS
• Manic Mondays, Jump-n-Pump and other Christa-led classes
• Walking Victor leash-less around La Costa
• Coffee at a picnic table in the Plaza at 10:30am on a Monday
• Wine/beer/alcoholic beverage in the Plaza at 5pm on a Thursday
• Being surrounded by friends who are exactly in your situation (kind of like college for adults)
• After-work tennis game with the hubby on a Monday 
• Being called "sexy" by well-meaning Filipinas
• The views

Boxing Day 2010

What I will NOT miss about Discovery Bay

• Sucking in diesel fumes while waiting for the ferry
• Fusion cashiers not understanding how a conveyor belt works
• Life in a fishbowl
• Parents who have NO IDEA where their 3-year old has wandered off to in the Plaza
• The HKR fun police
• People farting/burping/clipping their nails/[insert disgusting behavior here] on the ferry 
• The Forum (ok, maybe a little) 

Hong Kongers and DB-ers - what am I missing?!

Start Spreadin' the News...

I'm leavin' today.
I want to be a part of it...
New York, New York

 Well friends - I knew this day would come eventually...  As an expat it's kind of inevitable.

We are moving back to New York.

Yep, packing up our dehumidifiers, rice maker, chopsticks and milk teas and heading back to the land of bagels, lox and black people.  It's surreal because the whole thing came completely out of the blue.

I'm filled with excitement, sadness, hope and nostalgia.  The minute we got the news, my love of Hong Kong grew exponentially.  Which is funny because I didn't even know it existed in the first place.  Now I have a bucket list as long as Dwight Howard's arm for things to do/see/experience/visit before I leave Asia.  And only 6 weeks to do them in because we will be back in New York before Christmas!

Before you fret about this blog disappearing (because obviously this is an integral part of your daily existence!), keep in mind that I still have six more weeks of Chinglish and swinging ahead of me.  Er, writing about them, that is.  Or maybe I should try some swinging before I leave - after all, this could be my last chance to end up as a salacious topic on The Forum!

I haven't lived in New York for three years, which means I'll technically be an expat when I return.  Even now when I go back stores are gone, others have cropped up (there is a Trader Joe's on the UWS!) and I can't remember which stops the 4/5/6 trains make.  When I left New York in 2008, Obama had just taken office, bin Laden was still alive and Kim Kardashian was dating Reggie Bush.  Feels like a lifetime ago.  ;)

I've been told by expat friends that the transition back home is not a seamless one, so be prepared for lots of moaning about how I miss my life in Hong Kong.  Also be prepared (if you're an American) for me to say things like "air con" instead of "AC" and "quite" instead of "really."  Years ago I had a friend who lived in Australia for a year and then moved back to NYC.  She came back saying "mate" and a little piece of me died every time it came out of her mouth.  Now, I'll be the one people are rolling their eyes at and thinking "well, isn't she high and mighty with her international vocabulary".

In summary (this post deserves some formality!), while I am moving back to New York, I will continue blogging about life as an expat.  I'll just be doing it from a noodle shop in Chinatown.

Drug Driving

The HK government put up a new sign on a major tunnel here leading into Central (e.g. our Midtown). It reads:

Drug driving maybe your journey to death.

I'm going to ignore "drug driving" and "maybe" and focus on the crux of the message.

While creative and unusual, "journey to death" is a bit too fun for their point. It sounds like you're about to board the latest rollercoaster at Six Flags. "Get ready for the scariest 3 minutes of your life on the new Journey to Death. After your 350-foot drop, you may just not come back." (cue sinister laughing)

As a child of the late 80s/early 90s, I prefer the "This is your brain on drugs" approach. Visual, straight to the point and dramatic - well as dramatic as frying an egg can be.

PS - thanks Laura for the heads up on this!!

Soup for Sluts

A bonafide product you can find in grocery stores here:

You gotta love the tag line - "Cheap, fast and easy"!

Someone needs to tell Ricky's, the Pleasure Chest and other adult shops in the States.  Would make a great companion for penis macaroni, no?

Thank you David for this submission - it's right up there with "No Fart Inside Room".

The Rice King

 A common sight in this part of the world:

Old, fat and/or ugly White man + young, attractive, thin Asian woman

When I say common, there are days I come across seven of these couples before lunchtime!  Usually it doesn't bother me - especially when the couple seems to be equally matched in at least one area - age, attractiveness, etc.  What does make my skin crawl is when I spot a 70-year old man with an Asian woman in her 20s.  Gag.

I know what drives the women - money and security.  So many of these women are dirt poor and doing anything they can to feed themselves and their families back home.  (I'm writing this in earnest - no sarcasm here.)  I get doing anything you can aside from prostitution to better your situation.

I can't figure out what drives the Rice King.  Has he always had a thing for Asian women and so making his way to Hong Kong was a logical decision?  Did he not really have a thing for Asian women until moving to Asia and then he realized he was missing out?  Or is he just old, fat and ugly and can't find anyone else who wants to be with him?

It doesn't matter really.  As long as we're all of consenting age, who am I to judge?  But it does keep your gag reflex active.

Foot Note: Let me just be clear about something - not all white man + Asian woman couples fall into this category.  You know a Rice King situation when you see one.

Story of My Life

Had the following exchange at my bank yesterday--

Me: I'd like to deposit this check into my (pausing for effect and speaking extra slowly and plainly) c-h-e-c-k-i-n-g account.

Bank Teller (looking me in the eye and nodding his head): Yes, OK.

He types on the keyboard and looks at the check for a minute and then says...

Bank Teller: Checking or savings account?

You can't blame this kind of thing on the language barrier.  It's just pure stupidity or something.  Actually, I have no idea what it is - but it happens to me every time I go to the bank.

Serenity Now

Turn on the TV and find this message on my screen:

After trying to reboot my cable box twice, I call the customer service line and go through all the prompts - 1 for English, 4 for customer and technical support, 2 for if you don't have video or audio on your screen.  Then, instead of putting me through to a customer support person, I get a pre-recorded message to the effect of "This is not a NowTV problem; you need to call another number."  Frustrated, I press 0 to speak with an operator; however the line just rings and rings and rings...for 5 minutes. 

Can someone please explain to me why I'm directed by NowTV to call this number for this specific error only to have NowTV tell me that I'm calling the wrong number??

These are the moments I realize it's a good thing I don't live in a country where guns are legal and accessible.  (Kidding.  Well sort of.)

You Can't Make This Stuff Up

Check out the name of this taxi driver:

Butt King Yu.

Someone named their son Butt. Or maybe it's Butt King as in Mary-Kate or Ann-Douglas.

Either way it's pretty ridiculous, isn't it?

The Fraggot

Only in Asia is it ok to have a TV personality named The Fraggot.  You have Stuart Scott in the States; we have The Fraggot here in Hong Kong.

Have a looksie at this commercial, which airs non-stop on our ESPN channel here:

http://www.espnstar.com/game/

Other than the ridiculous and quasi-offensive name of The Fraggot, are you astounded at the production quality?  The special effects alone are Oscar-worthy.

What Not to Wear

Spotted this demure flower on the Monday 9am ferry:

Because black thigh-highs lined with fake rhinestones, a miniskirt that barely covers your hoo-ha, camouflage and 4-inch booties are super appropriate for the 9am commuter ferry.

But you know what part of this ensemble bothers me the most?  The long pieces of hair that have been strategically pulled from her ponytail and are hanging in her face.  That and her scowl -  tres pretty.

I guess the only question I have is -- is this a ferry ride of shame or does her office have a "business sexual" dress policy? 

The Chinese Man Purse

Another prevalent custom you find here is men carrying their wives/girlfriends purses.  Sometimes, when it's a satchel or Lands End-esque tote, I'm on board with it and think, "Aw, how nice of him to carry that heavy bag for his lady."  With how much crap my husband tries to shove in my bag (wallet, iphone, sunglasses, gum, etc.), he should be carrying it!

Other times, I see this (below) and think "werk it, gurrrl!"

Doncha just love how it sits in the crook of his arm - a la Jessica Simpson?! He's been doing this a long time to know where the purse carrying sweet spot is.

The White Obsession

Most Asian women are OBSESSED with having white skin.  They wear huge poker-player visors (also known as welders masks); they purchase beauty creams that taut bleaching effects; they dip their heads in chalk.  OK, I'm lying about that last one.  But having white skin is a big thing here.  My theory is that whiter skin signifies higher social ranking - like, only the peasants who work in the fields have a tan.  And, let's be honest, staying out of the sun *is* good for your skin.

However, I thought all of this only applied to the face.

Nope.  Turns out, Asian women also want their underarms to be "visibly whiter".  Check out the Nivea "Extra Whitening" deodorant that my friend Laura came across at the drug store:

Um, call me crazy, but big ole white stripes under my arms is NOT the desired effect I'm looking for in a deodorant.   

Hot Lost Buns

These are sold at the concession stands inside our movie theaters:

If that isn't appetizing enough, when you order the hot dog, they don't give you a bun.  They just hand you a bare sausage to munch on!  Yesterday, I happened to be sitting next to a guy eating one and let me tell you - there is nothing more vomitous than a grown man chewing on a bare-fisted hot dog.  Nothing.

Community Caring Counter

There are 4 counters at our local HSBC branch -

Premier - people who pay a little extra each month so they can jump the line

Normal (unmarked, btw)- everyday people who have to wait in line (like moi)

Corporate - where cashiers from the local Subway and 7-11 deposit their daily earnings

And then there's the Community Caring Counter -

I have NO IDEA what it means or who's supposed to stand in this line.  People in the community who care?  People in the community who HSBC cares about?  Care Bears??