Hens with Heartburn

This one's from my friend Alisa:

Delivery for Dummies

One of the biggest things I've looked forward to in NYC is the restaurant scene.  Every part of it -- "the world is your oyster" options, places staying open until midnight and deliveries any time of day or night.  Back in the UrbanFetch era (circa 1999), I was known to order a DVD (or was it still VHS back then?), slice of pizza, drinks and Tylenol from one place and it would all be delivered within an hour!

Yesterday I saw a Pinkberry delivery guy in our elevator.  If you're not familiar, Pinkberry is a frozen yogurt chain.  (HK folks, it's the same as Yo MaMa.) The kind of place you see when you're walking on a Sunday afternoon and feel like indulging your sweet tooth.  You go in, order a cup and then peruse the vast display of toppings (Capn Crunch, blueberries, coconut, you name it).  You leave, yogurt in hand, and proceed to eat it spoonful by spoonful as you walk down a sunny NYC street.  It's more event, than food.

You do not call Pinkberry and ask them to deliver a cup of yogurt to your door. Which the deliveryman confirmed when I asked him who would order yogurt for delivery and he replied - "some lazy ass people".  I think he wanted to say "some lazy ass white people," but refrained.

Supersize Me

We went to see The Girl with the Dragon Tattoo the other night.  It was a slightly revolting experience.  Two seats had a big white sheet over them that read "Accident Being Cleaned Up".  I don't want to think about what kind of accident can't be cleaned up immediately.  The floors were gross and sticky and the annoying chicks with Lawn-Guyland accents yammering on behind us were also gross.

Oh how I remember nestling into my oversized leather armchair (pre-selected and reserved arm chair, I might add) in Hong Kong waiting for the movie to start.  Granted, I was watching a movie that had been out in the States for a good 6 months...

However, the big ah-ha "we're not in HK anymore, Toto" moment was when we got our drinks from the concession stand.  I ordered a medium Diet Coke. Here's what I got:

Not sure the first picture does it justice, but hopefully the second does.  I had to use TWO HANDS to lift the thing up to my mouth.  In fact, my two hands together *just* formed the circumference of the lid.  It was gigantic!  I have to assume the large is reserved for a family of four.

All of that moral outrage aside, I managed to slurp the entire thing down plus a bag of the new pretzel M&Ms.  :)

[Editor's Note: For all the disbelievers out there, it should be noted that I have normal, non-dwarf sized hands.]

Noodle Heaven

If there's one thing I'll miss about HK, it's this:

A piping hot bowl of vermicelli noodles with fat shrimp wontons - all nesting in a hot broth.  Add a splash of chili oil and loads of tangy vinegar... sorry, I think I was just possessed by the spirit of Nigella Lawson.

Have I mentioned that this satisfying meal costs less than $3?!  

Soup for Sluts

A bonafide product you can find in grocery stores here:

You gotta love the tag line - "Cheap, fast and easy"!

Someone needs to tell Ricky's, the Pleasure Chest and other adult shops in the States.  Would make a great companion for penis macaroni, no?

Thank you David for this submission - it's right up there with "No Fart Inside Room".

Reinforcing Stereotypes

Check out the headline on the upper right-hand side of the China Daily:

This is why I will NEVER live in China.  Ever.

That and the fact that the entire population stands around watching while a 2-year old gets run over by a van TWICE -- and does nothing.  Yeah, any place that's mean to kids and animals sounds like hell, literally.

Cheese Please

I have an unhealthy relationship with cheese.  Not a meal goes by where some form of cheese - sprinkled parmesan on my pasta, a slice of swiss on a sandwich, a smear of cream cheese on my morning toast, doesn't find its way on my plate.

I'm not sure why I'm telling you all of this.  I guess it has something to do with this picture:

The beauty of being an international housewise is that you can assemble at 5 on a Friday for impromptu drinks and cheese with women from all over the globe.  And lest you think we're all work and no play, I'll have you know this Happy Hour gathering was educational.

I learned that Gouda (seen above with the cute Dutch toothpicks) is Dutch.  I've also learned that my pronunciation (goo-dah) is incorrect.  The Dutch say hu-dah.  For the first syllable, you need to sound like you're trying to hawk a loogie.  

See, it's not all tennis lessons and martinis.

Hot Lost Buns

These are sold at the concession stands inside our movie theaters:

If that isn't appetizing enough, when you order the hot dog, they don't give you a bun.  They just hand you a bare sausage to munch on!  Yesterday, I happened to be sitting next to a guy eating one and let me tell you - there is nothing more vomitous than a grown man chewing on a bare-fisted hot dog.  Nothing.

Goooooo Team!

Another expat milestone crossed off the list - I attended an international sporting event!  We went to see Chelsea (English soccer team) play Kitchee (Hong Kong soccer team) at Hong Kong Stadium.  While maybe not as exciting as eating hot pot in TST or haggling over DVDs and fake Vuitton bags in Shenzhen, it deserves a blog posting.

Rather than go into some long post about how hot it was (BEYOND; never sweated so much in my life; whole place smelled like a dirty gym sock) or how hard it was to use the British vernacular (it's football, not soccer; a pitch, not a field; and a match, not a game), I will share with you what we encountered at the concession stand.  We looked at the menu:

Five items.  I like a simple menu with a few, straight-forward choices.  And I was super psyched to see things like fried rice and Thai noodles on the menu next to the hot dogs and chicken nuggets.

Then we spotted these two signs hanging under the menu:

 

Fried Noodles Sold Out and Hot Dogs Sold Out.  Got it.

Then we looked to the right and spotted another two signs:

Chicken Nuggets Sold Out and Fried Rice Sold Out.

Of course.  Guess that leaves - let me see here...math has never been my strong suit....5-4 = 1, so just potato chips!

Did I mention this was BEFORE the game even started?!   

There is a God

...and he watches NASCAR, possibly has a mullet and knows every word to "Sweet Home Alabama".  He's heard my pleas for some Diet Mountain Dew (my favorite soft drink ever and what my best friend - who's from Connecticut - calls my redneck soda) and finally decided to bestow some upon me.

Found these at Gateway (our Costco) yesterday!  My husband said (in a serious voice), "Should we take them all?"

Fun with Food

Two food-related items for you...

1. My husband spotted this gem:

I'm 99% sure they were going for "chicken nuggets," but let's be honest - "chicken nagged" is so much better.

2. And we both came across this at the Western-oriented grocery store in our town:

Because nothing quenches your thirst quite like...vinegar!  And I love the tag line - "Not only do they taste good, but they are good for you packed with lots of nutrition."  Who's "they"??

Does Ronald Know About This??

Walk into McDonald's and order a vanilla milkshake - apparently for the first time in the 2.5 years I've live here.  Here's how that went down:

Worker: Can I help you?
Me: Yes, one vanilla milkshake please
Worker: Chocolate or strawberry?
Me: Er, um, vanilla.
Worker: We don't sell vanilla; just chocolate or strawberry.
Me - sighing dramatically, closing up my wallet and walking out the door.

Can this possibly be true?  McDs doesn't sell vanilla milkshakes?  Isn't there a reason why they're vanilla, a.k.a. the most generic, popular flavor on the planet?! Is it maybe because nothing in Hong Kong makes sense??

Honestly, it's times like these I struggle with reality.  I look around and think, "Really?  This is really the freakin universe I live in?

Only in Hong Kong

Donald Trump's latest venture?  Nope.  Just some good ole Hong Kong wackiness.  All the buildings here have "aspirational" names like "Elegance Court" and "Rich Mansion". I guess the thinking goes that eating here will make you rich and powerful.    If that were the case, I'd be eating at "Skinny and Rich Cafe" for every meal!

(And don't get me started on the other typo on their sign - "business hour"...singular.)

There's a fun blog posting on other crazy HK building names here: http://blog.seattlepi.com/redlantern/2008/07/23/do-you-live-in-tycoon-court-or-rich-mansion/.

D'Asses

Check out the cookies I spotted in our grocery store:

I don't speak French, but "D'Asses" looks a lot like "de asses" or "of asses".  I really hope that's not the case.

Hamburger: Used or Unused?

Perusing the menu at our local Japanese restaurant and came across the following:

Call me crazy, but I prefer my hamburger unused.  :(

Directions

I must be assimilating because I've taken a liking to instant ramen noodles.  My handy electric tea kettle (an appliance, like my rice maker, that I never in a million years thought I would own) makes preparing these suckers a cinch.  That is, until you read the directions...

Have you ever seen this many microwave directions?!  Convenience store microwave oven, domestic microwave oven...and then there's 2 different sets of directions for the domestic one (e.g., the one I'm using!)

Is it really necessary to provide FOUR sets of directions for something like instant noodles??  A souffle - perhaps.  Beef Bourguignon - definitely. Instant noodles - don't be ridiculous.

And can someone please tell me how to make cold boiling water?  (The camera flash kind of covers this up, but you can see it if you look closely.) No really, I'd LOVE to see some cold boiling water.

In case you're wondering I use #3.

Pizza! Pizza!

Anybody remember the old Little Ceasar's commercials where the Roman cartoon guy always said, "Pizza Pizza"?  Am I dating myself here?!

I've lamented a few times on this blog about the lack of decent pizza in this town.  I won't rehash it but suffice it to say, HK has felt like the big pizza desert.

Then today the heavens opened up and the pizza gods bestowed upon us the most gorgeous, delicious gift... a fat New York slice.  For all you New Yorkers saying, "BFD" (an acronym, btw, that I first heard from my mother!!), try going a month without a slice.  Then try 2 months and then 6 months and then we'll talk.

V and I were so overwhelmed by the piping hot pies in the window that we ordered 6 slices and a calzone, with the intention of bringing half of it home. Nothing better than cold pizza over the weekend, right?!  I wish you could've seen the local's faces when the food arrived at our table.  They looked at us like we were circus freaks.  Not that we cared - you can't trust someone who eats pizza with a knife and a fork.  V says you can't trust people who don't fold their slice (he's a real New Yorker!) and I'm not sure how to take that since I don't fold mine.

Here we are enjoying a beyond-scrumptuous New York Hong Kong slice:

Update: Only two weeks after posting this, Paisano's - the place above - announced that they're opening up a place in Discovery Bay in early March!!!  I'm overjoyed and scared for my life.  Don't be surprised if I've gained 40 lbs the next time you see me!

My Life in Beers

Saw this in our supermarket and thought it summed up my (current) existence pretty nicely.

Duck Tongue - It's What's For Dinner

Spotted this at our supermarket today.

Anybody have a recipe that calls for 20 duck tongues??

In all seriousness, there's something sad about seeing this many little tiny duck tongues in one package.

Candy Update

Spotted a bag of mixed American candy in the holiday aisle of our local grocery store.  Stuffed between decadent truffles and Belgian chocolate sat the only Reeses products I've seen in Hong Kong!

Needless to say, these found their way into my bag and onto our table.