Wednesday, April 7, 2010

Satan's Fruit

I'm of the belief that all fruit is generally good.  I don't love all fruits, but they all go down the hatch with relative ease, unlike, say, some meats and cheeses.  And most are pleasing to the eye -- apples are shiny and red, oranges perfectly round.  Heck, even kiwis manage to be cute in a hairy, little chia pet kind of way.  It's no coincidence that the birth of all humanity took place in the Garden of Eden, where I have to assume fruit was plentiful.

And then there's durian -- which can only be a product of pure evil.

(American) Friends, if you ever see this fruit, run -- don't walk! -- in the opposite direction.  Don't worry, it will be obvious which fruit is durian:

It resembles a torture device from the Middle Ages. It's the large (the size of a human head) green thing with enormous spikes jutting out from all angles. Oh and there's usually a handle (because otherwise how could you hold it to defend yourself?) I still have NO IDEA how one goes about opening up the damn thing. Not that I really care...

Let's face it, you won't even get close enough to durian to see it because the smell will knock you over from 100 yards away. The first time they carried it our grocery store, I walked into the store and immediately thought to myself, "Ugh, they must've forgotten to take the garbage out last night." I literally held my nose the entire trip until I was back outside. And I'm talking in the dairy aisle, cleaning supplies aisle, check-out -- ALL of them reeked of durian.

Lest you think I'm exaggerating, I have 3 stories to back me up:

  1. Hotels throughout Southeast Asia strictly prohibit guests from bringing durian into the hotel.  Smoking is more accepted than durian.
  2. On the recent Real World-Road Rules Challenge in Thailand (yes, I'm 34 and still watch it), contestants had to eat all kinds of gross things during the final challenge -- bugs, animal intestines, you name it.  What made them puke?  You guessed it.
  3. Durian is also the only food that has caused Bizarre Food's Andrew Zimmern to gag on camera.  And the man has eaten rotten shark meat, unpasteurized milk straight out of the udder and lamb brains.  All those went down no problem.  Not durian.

So that's it. You read this blog to be entertained but today you've also learned an important life lesson.  If someone offers you durian, they are NOT your friend.


  1. I can confirm this as absolute truth!
    Run ... don't walk.

  2. Who eats them? How do they cook them? Are they used for something other than food? Gross.

  3. I actually tried Durian my first year here in HK. I got to be good friends with a girl who is a local from HK but is in every other way (personality-wise) an American. So, anyway, she begged me to try it and I lost a bet with her. She gave it to me, I put it in my mouth and started chewing it and could NOT swallow it. Had to spit it out. Know what it tastes like? Onions, sugar, a hint of garlic, and what I imagine it must taste like to lick someone's stinky feet after a month with no shower. Truly horrible. It was only after I tried it that she admitted she would NEVER eat the stuff, and she still tells all of her HK friends about her crazy Gweilo friend that ate Durian.

    1. You're still friends with this person!?!? you are a good friend. Wow.