Best Part of a Brunch

Yeah, the coffee's good and who can complain about an omelet with lots of cheese, but the real good stuff at a brunch is the conversation.  I know, I know - I can hear the "duh" coming through the computer.  Here are two conversation nuggets I got in today's brunch:

1. My friend who's a flight attendant works with a male flight attendant who's name used to be Noel (pronounced like the Christmas word; not like a man's name) Lopez.  He legally changed his name to Noel Sugarplum Fruitcake.  Seriously.  Next time you're flying United and someone with a "Fruitcake" name tag serves you, it's not a joke.  (Oh and he's American, so I can't even blame this one on some language issue.)

2. Another friend of mine saw an old Chinese lady standing outside of our grocery store wearing a t-shirt that read: "I am very shy, but I have a big dick."  Now *this* one I can blame on the language issue.

Paging Captain Obvious

To get to the swimming pool at our country club, you have to walk through the changing room and then this mini pool area, for lack of a better term.  I believe the thinking goes that by walking through this you are decontaminating your shoes before you hit the pool deck.  Because an outdoor pool deck filled with hundreds of people and kids is germ-free...

Hopefully the humor in placing a "Caution - Wet Floor" sign inside this pool is as obvious to you as it was to me.

Oh and the decontamination logic doesn't stop there!  The doorway-like space between the changing room and the decontamination pool area -- a doorway you HAVE TO walk through, has water coming down from the ceiling - as if you're in the shower.  Again, I think this piss-poor attempt at getting people "clean" before they get to the pool deck is laughable  Why? Because everyone hugs the wall when they walk through so that the shower water raining down from the ceiling doesn't get you wet.  You can't see the shower water in this pic - it's coming out of the white tube on the ceiling over the doorway.  The helper in the black shirt is likely getting wet in this picture.

Hong Kong logic at its best.

Does Ronald Know About This??

Walk into McDonald's and order a vanilla milkshake - apparently for the first time in the 2.5 years I've live here.  Here's how that went down:

Worker: Can I help you?
Me: Yes, one vanilla milkshake please
Worker: Chocolate or strawberry?
Me: Er, um, vanilla.
Worker: We don't sell vanilla; just chocolate or strawberry.
Me - sighing dramatically, closing up my wallet and walking out the door.

Can this possibly be true?  McDs doesn't sell vanilla milkshakes?  Isn't there a reason why they're vanilla, a.k.a. the most generic, popular flavor on the planet?! Is it maybe because nothing in Hong Kong makes sense??

Honestly, it's times like these I struggle with reality.  I look around and think, "Really?  This is really the freakin universe I live in?

Hasidic Unicorn in Hong Kong

Hell has frozen over.  Pigs and donkeys are flying.  And all the other cliches you can think of.  I just spotted this in line for the Star Ferry today:

I don't know, nor have I met, a moderately-religious Jewish person in Hong Kong, so to spot a Hasidic Jew waiting for the Star Ferry surrounded by a crowd of locals - well, the term unicorn comes to mind.  I like to believe that he has just teleported from the Lower East Side and is frantically typing into his time machine (which looks like a cell phone) trying to get back!

In reality he was with his wife and two kids - and didn't seem freaked out at all.

I'm Too Sexy

China (and most of Asia, I think) celebrates the Dragon Boat Festival, which is on the 5th moon of the 5th month for those of you keeping score at home!  I dedicated an entire post to Dragon Boating awhile back, so have a peek if you want the nitty gritty details.  For this post, all you need to know is that it's a boat/paddling competition; one that people train for weeks ahead of time.

My friend Sally is competing this year and just so happened to spy this delicious creature at her recent practice:

Not the cute girl in the foreground... The middle-aged, mustached man wearing a spandex half-shirt in the background.  Ain't he a beauty?  It's one thing to wear a half shirt.  Or to wear spandex.  It's a whole other thing to wear both at the same time along with bicycle shorts!  Oh and if you have a mustache you should be wearing NONE OF THE ABOVE. 

What's in a Name?

Recently I organized a community event, which found me working closely with HK locals.  Lovely people, but the language barrier presented one of the highlights of the night. 

The person I worked most closely with was named Erica.  Halfway through the event Erica comes up to tell me that she has to leave and that her colleague will take her place for the remainder of the event:

Erica: I have to leave but my colleague Ennis here will help with anything that you need.

Not hearing Erica properly I turn to Ennis and say, Hi, I'm Jess.  Your name is 'eh-nis'?

Before Ennis can respond, Erica jumps in with, It's Ennis.  Sounds like anus.

Alrighty then...  The rest of the night I was so scared I was going to call the poor girl Anus.

Here Comes the Bride...

...Doing a photo shoot during your morning commute.  (That rhymed; I feel very Eminem right now!)

If you remember one of my earlier posts, I gave you the low-down on the unique customs of a Chinese (or maybe it's just Hong Kong?) wedding.  One of the more surprising elements were the photo shoots that take place in the months leading up to the big day featuring the bride and groom dressed up in someone else's clothes that they rent for the day.  These photos are included in the save-the-dates, wedding invitations and slideshows on display at the reception.  There are at least 5 different locations, backdrops and wardrobe changes for the end product.

Here's a photo shoot in action - complete with veil blowing in the breeze, tuxedo-clad groom off to the side and photo assistant crouched down behind the bride.  To me, this is just an odd backdrop.  For those non-HKers, she's standing on a crowded walkway connected to a mall that's almost always filled with people running to catch a ferry.  This is also the spot where the crippled people beg for money.  Now there's an uplifting visual for your wedding invites!  Unless he proposed to her on this walkway (which leads to an even bigger question of WHY?), I can't understand the sentimental or artistic appeal of taking photos here.

Note the person crouched down behind her.

Crouching, but not-so-hidden photo assistant!

And don't even get me started on the convenience factor, or lack thereof.  People are trying to get to work or catch a ferry.  This is so NOT the place to set up your big-ass photo shoot.  Isn't there a garden or beach you could be doing this at instead?! 

Actually this is pretty tame.  I once took Victor for his daily afternoon bathroom break and found a bride full-on splayed out flat on her back on our sidewalk.  Bride roadkill, if you will.  I just wanted to take her aside and say, "My dog pees here -- in that very spot where you're resting your cheek on the pavement - at least twice a day.  I've seen a man puking in the area near your legs.  You may want to get up before you stain your rented dress."  But I didn't.  I just did my best to keep Victor from peeing on her.